Hhmmmm........

cno itey??? girlaloo o boylaloo? secret walang clue! HAHAHA!!!!

Laying All The Cards Down

What's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?

~~~~~

I couldn't sleep for the past few days. It was like I was carrying something heavy and I was irritable.

Every little thing he does makes me angry or hate him.

I knew I had to tell him something about how I really felt deep inside. In truth it was me that I hated. It was not him. I was just projecting how I felt about myself. It was a constant battle inside me. I was mad. I was angry. I was frustrated.

Guilt.

Guilty for not feeling the same way he felt about me. For not giving the same way he is giving himself to me.

And I wanted to cry out every time I felt the pressure.

I asked him to come by at our house at 2 in the morning. I really felt the need to speak to him no matter what the time was. Whether he was sleeping or not, I felt I needed to see him. Good thing he couldn't sleep too.

I told him everything I needed to tell him without fear of rejection. I owe him that. The truth.

He felt a little bit hurt. But he said it doesn't make him love me any less. He said he is willing to wait.

Ever since then, I felt free. I feel no pressure.

At least now I don't have to pretend. I don't need to pressure myself and it felt liberating.

I feel I'm learning to fall IN love again.

Little by little.

I'm enjoying and appreciating all the things he shows and gives me. His little lambing and being open with our relationship. And I'm not pressured to do the same.

He said, "In your own time."

It felt good.

It feels good.

Thank you love... Thank you for everything...

Thank you for coming into my life.

Hahaha!

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating."
~Unknown psychology professor in neuropsychology course

Thoughts

"I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Love...

Thank you for making the day special and for all the gifts. You really know how to spoil me. Love them all! Hihihi!!!

Had a very tiring day but everything was worth it. Mega kanta ako maski I don't like singing. Once I started you couldn't take the mic away, maski sintunado na. Hahaha!

Love you!!! Mwah! Mwah!

Later another celebration with my girlies. Miss them so much...

Whaaaa!!!

Can't wait for later... I'm so freaking excited! Finally, it's Friday.

Keeping my fingers cross for something hopefully nice later...

Hmmm... Just hoping he did got my subtle hints... *wink* *wink* *wink*

:) :) :)

Lemar - The Way Love Goes

The Way Love Goes by Lemar

i never thought that i would ever love again
i might be wrong cos i can feel it happening
a little scared but i am not petrified
i love forever, i promise to stay by your side
heart broken, my first and never spoken
i waited to hear and i gave it a year
so i stopped holding on and then you came along
and then you came along
i’m gonna, i’m i’m i’m gonna

i hold you, i love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can’t dance alone cos the beat’s just too slow
that’s just the way love goes,
that’s just the way love goes (uh uh)

i used to think that i would never get to be
in love again cos that was the only one for me
and now i feel that you have come and saved me
this heart of mine awoken by your smile
heart broken, my first and never spoken
i waited to hear and i gave it a year
so i stopped holding on and then you came along
and then you came along
i’m gonna, i’m i’m i’m gonna

i hold you, i love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can’t dance alone cos the beat’s just too slow
that’s just the way love goes,
that’s just the way love goes

i hold you, i love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can’t dance alone cos the beat’s just too slow
that’s just the way love goes,
that’s just the way love goes

(gotta get strong, keep moving on)

someone’s coming to save me
someone’s coming to save me
save me, save me, save me

i hold you, i love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can’t dance alone cos the beat’s just too slow
that’s just the way love goes,
that’s just the way love goes

i hold you, i love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can’t dance alone cos the beat’s just too slow
that’s just the way love goes,
that’s just the way love goes

One More Chance

"Siguro kaya tayo iniiwanan ng mga mahal natin dahil may darating pang ibang mas magmamahal sa'tin - 'yung hindi tayo sasaktan at paasahin... 'yung magtatama ng lahat ng mali sa buhay natin." :)

Us

Soft-Disconnect 1st Anniversary
October 17, 2010
Elbow Room, Metrowalk

Excited!

Celebrating our First Anniversary!

Comcast Soft-Disconnect

Elbow Room, Metrowalk
October 17, 2010 8:00pm

Thoughts

I was checking my other FB account when my cousin started chatting with me.

The usually how are you. How's everybody blah blah blah...

And then out of the blue she asked me if I'm already married (as if they won't know if I was). Told her I was busy with work that marriage is out of the question. Then she said "YOU'RE OLD NA AH?" Thank you very much my dearest cousin. I started forgetting my age when I hit twenty-seven. I stopped counting. Sometimes when people ask how old i was I seemed stuck with that number. And mindfully say, twenty-seven!

I know! I'm turing 33 in about... exactly 11 days from now. But! what I know, I don't look my age! Hehehe! I fooled a lot of people from the office. They think I was in my mid-twenties. It feels good to be old and not look your age. Hahaha!!!

~~~~

Honestly, I really want to be married. I want a church wedding but sometimes I just want to elope and escape all the preparations and stuff. But I know, it is every girls dream to be married in a church. I'm not in a hurry. Not now. Not yet.

A friend of mine is getting married next year. I'm happy for her. So, in my barkada 6 are married and 4 remain single. Who will be next???

~~~~

One experience changed my perspective about marriage. I don't know why. Maybe the experience was too painful and at this point I'm just being careful and a little bit pessimistic. I can't help it! You were led to believe that it is the relationship that would lead to that and all of the sudden it was over. It broke my heart and changed my life.

No, I was not married before and got separated.

I was in a long-term relationship and it ended badly.

Why a change of heart with marriage when it was only a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship?

I don't know.

My five cents, no matter how much you love a person, it will never be enough. It will never be enough to secure the relationship. It will never be enough to bind you together. It will never be enough to make him happy. So what does a piece paper guarantee you? When separation and annulment is a piece of cake now a days.

I'm sorry. I'm being grumpy. I don't intend to burst any bubbles out there.

BOTTOM LINE, I believe, is that I'm so scared. So scared to give my all and be disappointed in the end. To be hurt again and to experience that kind of loneliness and sadness I thought I almost died.

I did died...

I lost a part of me that day and I never saw her again.

~~~~

Don't get me wrong. I love him. I do love him (that someone in my life right now). Although at times he would look at me and ask me why he's feeling that I'm not giving my all. That sometimes I'm so far and he couldn't get to me. One thread is not connecting no matter how much he tries to reach for me. In which I reply his imagination is running wild again. In truth, I'm scared to give him my all and fail in the end. Traumatize? Yes I was.

Sometimes, when I look at him, I see myself. The way he loves, the way he unselfishly give his all without question and the jealousy part! My goodness! Hands down! Hahaha! I'm scared for him sometimes, but one thing is for sure. I've been there and as much as possible I don't want him to feel how painful it was to lose someone you loved with all your heart and soul.

I know, it will take time for me to give my all but I know I'll get there. Sometimes it is just hard to pretend or rather be as happy or excited as he is whenever he talks about our future. He's doing all the planning and he is expecting that I'll be doing my part by next year. That I don't know. A part of me is excited to be getting married and living with him and a part of me is uncertain.

What I'm sure of, is that I want to be whole when we do decide to bind it. Not out of utang na loob, not out of kahihiyan or awa, not because I'm old. I did it because I believe and feel I'm IN LOVE with the person I'm going to spend my whole life with.

Right now, I'm not forcing anything. I just don't want to be rushed. And I just hope that he'll give me time and space sometimes.... :(

Hehehe!

Dahil sick leave ka, sick leave rin ako... :p

Differences

It is so hard to argue with someone who does not want to argue back. Who keeps calm when you are in the verge of losing it. Who keeps quiet when you're trying to make a point and would just nod and look at you as if you are a mad woman.

GAD! Why do you have to be quiet and calm, when all I want you to do is be mad as hell and shout back. But no, you have to be - - - you. Simply you. The one who is willing to take all the wrath and analyze things before you open your mouth.

I hate it.

It makes me hate myself more.

I know I was just trying to make you lose it. In the end it was me who suffered my own doing. Maybe you are just testing me or maybe someday you'll lose it too and be as crazy as me...

Maybe. Maybe not.

:(

Contemplating something really big.

I could almost hear my Nanay's payo, "when in doubt, don't."

What am I to do... Think. Think. Think.

:(

Conversations

I: Tl, I would like to request for VL on October 7 and 8 please...

R: Ok. Later... (busy sa stats ng team, parang walang narinig! hehehe!)

~~~~

R: Ina, are you sure VL for October 7 and 8, I'll be sending a tandim na.

I: Yes Tl!

R: Wait! what about Alex?

A: Yes Tl me too!

I: Huh? Ako lang! Di sya kasama tl!

R: What Alex? Are you sure?

A: Yes Tl!!!!

I: Ano ba! Bakit kelangan pati sya? Di naman magkadugtong mga bituka namin ah? Pag nakaleave ako dapat sya rin????

R: (deadma)

A: Bleh!!! Sama ako syempre!

I: Hay nako!!!!!! Kaasar!

:P

~~~~

R: Ina, Alex, Ron your VL's approve na!

Haay...

Sick yet again with colds...

Can't smell and can't taste a single thing. Whaaa!!! I'm hungry but too lazy to cook anything. Craving for something I don't know what.

Spent time with Edward this whole weekend. Missed him so much. Almost two months din kami hindi nagkasama during my off. Hay... So kulit and so harot parin.

All in a week's work.

What a week!

And the weekend is already over. Hayz... :(

Got the final stats from August.

Good news: We are the top team.

Bad news: September stats will be the ONLY basis for our next shift bid. Effing shit! So effing unfair! TARGET: 4x11 for the Christmas Holiday!

Good news: I placed 4th in the over all RPC standing of the whole Michigan and my best buddy Ron got first! Yahoo! And my AHT is less than 400sec. Finally, TL stopped bugging me. Been hitting all three goals perfectly. Wala na syang reklamo. Hehehe!

Bad news: Feeling the STRESS and PRESSURE as we begin the month of September! Whaaa!!! Been monitoring my stats. I know I'm okay for the last two weeks. Hopefully for the rest of the team too. Ika nga ni TL, pukpukan na! And even in my dreams I could still hear him "AHT guys! AHT!!!" Hay!!!

Good News: I know, TEAM RED will be the top team for September! Sobrang positive thinking yan! Sana lang talaga. Huhuhu! Will be getting our jacket soon! This week or next week! I'm so excited with that also. Just in time for our 1 year anniversary with Soft-Disco. Sana lang okay ang party this October.

~~~~

Got paranoid last Wednesday after shift. I felt sick and had chills. I felt I was floating. When I got home my temp was already 38 and I thought I had dengue na. Buti nalang naagapan ng bioflu, vitamins and rest. Was not able to go to work on Thursday.

Friday, it's a double pay pala. Yahoo! Buti nalang pumasok ako! Hehehe! After shift, went to Banchetto again - sans the pam-pam girls. Food trip and people watch with Love. Got to talk about a text and a call he received. At ayun na nga yun. Was too tired to argue about it and I didn't want to ruin the day. But it really bothered me a lot.

Although, I really trust him and I do know and feels that he really loves me. But having an ex call and text him out of the blue and with that kind of request, hhmm... parang iba na ata yun diba? I just told him, you decide but keep in mind what my opinions are. A day after, everything's okay na. End of story. End of her. Hehehe!

~~~~

Sunday, was supposed to watch UAAP with Ron and Choi but I canceled at the last minute I didn't feel like going and Love had an RDOT so, sabi ko rest nalang muna tayo this weekend. Wala munang gimik. Although last minute din nag-aya syang magdinner kahit 2hours lang daw sa Metrolane. Tried the Mang Inasal. Yummy!

Di rin talaga (nya) matiis na di magkita kahit isang araw lang... Hay! :p At nagpupumilit pang dun ako matulog sa kanya. Sabi ko nalang, "paalam ko lang sa bahay magdidinner lang tayo dito sa Metrolane, para bang nautusan lang akong bumili ng toyo tapos di na umuwi!" in which he said "kamo di toyo nabili mo, SAGING!" muntik ko na mabuga ung halo-halo sa mukha nya! Hahaha!

~~~~

Sept 7, 2010 marked my 1st year anniversary working in a call center. Wow! 1 year have passed already and I didn't even notice it. It is true, time flies so fast when you're enjoying what you're doing.

I could still remember our first day with Sir George Caluaug, our ESL instructor. Grabe! I was so so so nervous but excited at the same time. From 24 agents, now 6 are left from our training team. Buti nalang all six of us are still under one team and we love each other terribly maski minsan may mga conflict. Di naman maiiwasan yun lalo na kung puro babae kayo. :)

At first, I thought I will not survive this kind of working environment. But then I realized kaya ko pala na baliktad ang mundo ko and honestly mas gusto ko ng gabi. Obviously, even if it is my rest day, I'm still wide awake at this hour. Siguro dahil din, ok ang mga ka-team ko and my supervisor. And even if sometimes stressful ang work, once I'm logged out or sometimes kahit sa break lang, ok nako. Hindi kasi ganun ka grabe ang mga customer. Collection is easier than billing or DTA. Collect ka lang ng collect ng bayad! Hahaha! I enjoy meeting a lot of different people and I love the friendly competition. And at this point, I know I'm enjoying everything work-wise.

Plus, somebody came into my life unexpectedly.

It started one time when we were in NE pa. When I asked you to talk to me and to seat beside me. Tapos nasundan ni Dhez na pasimuno. Nung birthday ni Jev na holding hands daw... Na hindi na binitiwan ni loko nag kamay ko at kung mahihiwalay man agad-agad namang kukunin! Hahaha! (Lasing ka na nun! Di mo na siguro maalala! Ungas ka eh!) Yun pala matagal mo na gusto hawakan kamay ko at kung bakit lagi kitang nahuhuling nakatingin sa akin wala pa akong clue nun! Hahaha!

We started na para bang urong sulong. Not sure kung itutuloy o hindi. I was a bit hesitant but then in the end naging makulit ka rin and you stand firm even if I was pushing you away.

And you are one of the reasons why I love going to work and why I want to strive hard too.

And I believe that everything happens for a reason.

And looking back and looking where I'm at right now, I've come full circle. I'm happy. :)

Okay fine. Sige taon na rin ang pinagsamahan nyo. Pero it doesn't mean kelangan nyo ring maging super duper bestfriend after the relationship ends.

Friends can be lovers but lovers becoming friends? Duh?!

Bakit sya nagpaparamadam? Dahil the EX just recently broken up with her boyfriend so kelangan nya ng a shoulder to lean on?

And why the sudden interest to apply in the same company that we work in? And why the hell did the EX even said kung pwedeng makitira sayo while applying in our company??? Bakit pa sya lalayo eh ang daming call center sa North! Haller!!!! The nerve naman!

At mabuti naman sinabi mong hindi sya pwedeng tumira sayo dahil sa akin. Pero hindi ko gusto yung sinabi mong okay lang na magwork sya with us. I mean, under one roof! At magiging casual nalang pag nakita - if ever. No way! Ayoko!

I will not be comfortable knowing the EX is just a few floors or a few bay away from us. Sa tingin mo hanggang casual lang yun. I doubt it!

Basta alam mo na opinion ko. Period!!!!

Ayoko ng complication at ayoko ng gulo.

Hay Nako!!!

Bakit kasi kelangan pang gawing bestfriend (kuno) ang ex! EX na nga eh!

PAST IS PAST sabi mo!

Eh bakit di pa ibaon sa limot ang nakaraan.

They just complicate things!

Kung kelan naman ok na tayo tsaka naman may umeeksana!

Hay! You got a lot of explaining to do. For now, I'll let you rest muna. May RDOT ka pa mamaya eh. Mamaya na ang world war III. Hehehe!!! Maghanda ka! Hmmp!!!!!!!!!!!