Drunk as Drunk

Drunk as drunk on turpentine
From your open kisses,
Your wet body wedged
Between my wet body and the strake
Of our boat that is made of flowers,
Feasted, we guide it - our fingers
Like tallows adorned with yellow metal –
Over the sky's hot rim,
The day's last breath in our sails.

Pinned by the sun between solstice
And equinox, drowsy and tangled together
We drifted for months and woke
With the bitter taste of land on our lips,
Eyelids all sticky, and we longed for lime
And the sound of a rope
Lowering a bucket down its well.
Then,We came by night to the Fortunate Isles,
And lay like fish
Under the net of our kisses.

~pablo neruda~

oo00oo

oh god! oh god! oh god! :)

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~pablo neruda~

Giving

I was browsing through my book collection and I saw this red book I purchased a long time ago and completely forgot about it. I haven’t read it yet though, its objective is that if ever you have questions in life and some things are bothering you, especially about love, you hold the book and just open it and there will be your answer. The title is Love Wisdom. So, holding it I thought about my relationship with Jet right now. Where we are and what’s happening to us lately. I don’t know how the book knew (stupid thing to even ask) or is it merely coincidental, but it opened to “GIVING”.

****

There is a time to give and a time to receive. Now is your time to give. You need to work out what it is that you can give and to whom, as well as the manner of giving which is appropriate. Always give for the sake of giving, rather than because you hope to see it returned. Some of us are selfish and ungenerous and we need to alter this behavior if our relationships or potential relationships are to flourish. When we fail to give, we keep ourselves closed and we block the flow of energy which is necessary for a healthy relationship. When we life from a belief which says we don’t have enough to share, then our lives quickly reflect this belief and it becomes true. The only way to change this is with a leap of faith. When you start to give, more will come to you. You will find more returned to you than you ever gave away, as long as you stay open and don’t return to tight, ungiving attitudes and behavior. There is enough for everyone. We live in a time of abundance. It’s only our fear which closes us off from this abundance. Trust that you have enough to share and the reward will be tremendous. Give from the heart rather from the ego to discover the true joy of giving.

****

I did a little reflection and thought about my actions towards him lately. Am I not giving him space? Am I not giving him enough time for himself? Am I not giving enough for this relationship? Maybe not, I know I’m guilty. It seems to be my problem ever since. There are moments that I become selfish, self-centered and I forget that he is also a part of this relationship. That he has his own needs as an individual. I remember we were having this fight over a picture – A PICTURE! And I was dumbstruck when he told me “I was not acting my age and if only I could hear myself”. Really, that made me stopped and put a lid in my mouth. I was, as what Jai told me, “nakahanap ng katapat ko”. Hehehe! She is right. He rarely gets mad and if he does, it is always with a valid reason. I don’t understand why he is like that. I would sometimes out of the blue start a fight but he wouldn’t budge and in the end it is me who will look bad, which is just right because I had to start that stupid fight in the first place.

I remember an ex lover telling me that I’m bad at receiving criticism that I get offended too much. Hhmm… Maybe I was. Maybe I was too proud to accept it. Maybe I was too proud to give in. To know that I too have my own weaknesses and I can’t be that perfect or wonder woman I believed I was. I thought I was. I thought I was doing it right. Maybe I was not giving much in the relationship. That is what I’m trying to avoid happening right now. I do get a little off track sometimes, just like that photo incident; which could have been prevented if I just used my head instead of my mouth.

Give and take they say it is, a relationship that is. Try to be more open, to be more giving and I know he appreciates it. I’m not a perfect girlfriend. But I try to make up for the things I know I’ve hurt him. Maybe now is the time to be MORE giving, giving in a sense that, I should focus more about his emotions and not mine; whether it is about deciding when to meet and what to do when we are together. Let him be in control. Give him the freedom to do the things that I know he wants to do without being afraid if his love is still mine; because I know he is honest to me and very much loyal. I should stop being afraid and take that leap of faith before its too late...

For our country....

Did you know that the Philippines’ coconut geotextile ( a.k.a. coconet) for soil erosion control has been chosen as one of the 12 finalists in Newsweek and BBC’s (British Broadcasting Corporation) World’s World Challenge?

The World Challenge is basically a competition/search designed at identifying groups or individuals all over the world whose projects have contributed great impact at grass roots level.

A documentary about Philippine Coconut geotextile or coconet industry will be shown on the BBC World cable channel on September 24 around 8:30 GMT and will also be featured in the August 29 special issue of Newsweek.

“The World Challenge” already offers a tremendous exposure and publicity to our flourishing Philippine coconut geotextile industry and to our Philippine coconut fiber exporters. But it would be great liberation for our country, which has been getting very bad publicity nowadays, to win this prestigious competition.

TO VOTE, PLEASE CLICK

www.theworldchallenge.co.uk

and click the picture of Philippine coconet.

Please help us campaign for more voters by forwarding this message to your co-worker, friends and relatives.

Thanks.

muni-muni

I'm tired, but I don't feel like sleeping yet and Jet just left. We spend the day in the mall, watched a movie (The Brother's Grimm), correction! I watched while he slept. Hehehe... and did some window shopping... After a while he wanted to go to my place. I cooked dinner while he played with Mandy. I felt a sudden rush of loneliness. The house seems so quiet... empty. Though I could hear "the angels" watching TV. But the fact is, there are only five of us inside a four-storey house. Unlike before, my sister's family was here. Niko and Victor (my two bubbly nephews) kept the house alive and up. But now, almost a year have passed, a lot has changed. A lot.

When we talked about families, being a family, what word comes to your mind? Love, security, trust, acceptance, understanding, unity, sharing and so much more! To be brutaly and honestly blunt here, I don't feel any of that right now. I mean coming from the so-called family that I (still/hoping to) have. When my sister left for Canada last November 2004, a lot of things changed in my life. I've acquired a lot of responsibilities. And she is still the one I call whenever I feel down or I needed a boost. There are a lot of things right now that wanted me down on the ground. Wanted me out... People who don't trust me, people who don't know me after all, after all the years we've shared. I thought I could trust them, I thought they knew better. But I was wrong, I was quite wrong.

****

Money they say are the root of all evil. But no I don't think so. It is the people that makes money evil. People who worships, desires, wanted money that makes money evil. People who are BLINDED by ambitions and jealousy. People who could sell their soul for what.. a certain amount? I know a lot of people like that. I've encoutered quite a number of them in my life. People who uses money to get their ambition, people who uses money to gain freinds, people who uses money to make the world go round. Sad isn't it? But with a kind of economy our country is having, you'll seldom see people who wouldn't do a "kapit-sa-patalim".

But when these things happen in a family.. within a family... isn't it much sadder? More pathetic I think. A brother doesn't trust a sibling just because the sibling is not a TRUE member of the family. Sad.. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. I pity the brother. Imagine, with that thought, with that hatred, with that "tamang hinala" inside you... where does that lead you? Who threw all the "pinagsamahan" out of the window? Who is the bad guy here? Definitely not the sibling who was only given instructions. Definitely not the sibling who is just doing her job. Definitely not the sibling who KNOWS what is really going on. Definitely not the sibling given all the responsibilities. Not her.

What I told her, just remain quiet. No need to explain things. Because in the first place, if they want you to be honest, to be transparent, let them make the first move. Talking about HONESTY and TRANSPARENCY... Hah! What a big joke! Look in the mirror damn ass! Look in the mirror!!!

It is a sad thing. Just a sad thing... They can say whatever they want, they can throw a lot of things at you, the most important thing is, you do your job, you have God by your side, and the truth will always set you free... the TRUTH.

*****

I'm just lucky, I feel that I am. Although I don't share the same blood as they have or have a close relationship with them now, I know my Tatay is proud of me. I know I make Nanay happy. I had/have the chance to be of service to them. By living with Nanay now, here, I give her the best care there is, they may say that we "baby" her too much... Can't they just be glad that someone is caring for their mother??? Can't they just be greatful that eventhough thier mother is surrounded by people who are not blood related to her, she's not neglected!? God! if only they know how hard it is to care for an elderly... I don't know if they can... I don't know. All I can say is they're all full of crap!!! I only owe my life to Tatay and Nanay and nobody else. They can say whatever they want... I'll just laugh at them. They can try to put me down... They can try a lot of things... But let us all remember that, whatever we do, what goes around comes around.

****

As for now, I'm contented. I'm okay, It gets a little lonely sometimes I admit, but knowing that Nanay is in good health, we still eat three times a day, Jet and I are happy with our relationship, friends are okay, I think... I can survive all these. Just hang in there... Hang in there....

Just a taxi ride...

I just got home from an early dinner with jai (before she goes to work) in Cubao and I had this wonderful ride back home. You see the taxi I chanced upon has a lady driver! I was really surprised and I gleefully took the front seat. She was not your typical driver. First, she was wearing pearls! Hehehe! And she was really pretty (I think she's in her late 40's). When I got in, she said I smelled nice daw and asked for my perfume. I was smilling all the way home, because me being a taxi rider almost in all my "walks", never had a lady driver not until a few minutes ago. I felt REALLY safe. I was interested, why be a taxi driver... She's been in the business for fourteen years now.. (uso pa daw ung gemini na taxi), she used to own a lot of taxi units but her drivers gave her a lot of problem so in 2000 she decided to sell all of them and take the wheel instead. Till now sya parin ang drive ng unit nya. She didn't talk much... La rin me naisip itanong, I was just in awe.. Hehehe... and before we said goodbye, she told I looked like Arlene Muhlach daw... yup... I know we're big.. hehehe...

Anyways, that was really an interest ride for me... I already rode a tricycle with a lady driver but never a taxi... I like lady drivers.. they're a lot nicer and I don't know.. I just felt safe.... :p

bakit ganun...

Ang buhay minsan nakakatawa talaga... magugulat ka nalang... hay.. bakit ganun? Pagkatapos ng isang problemang ilang buwan ko naring dinadala, heto nanaman. Minsan na isip ko na hindi ko na kaya. Ayoko na... Suko na ako. Ano ba pinaglalaban ko? Ano ba makukuha ko sa mga bagay na pilit kong ayusin pero sadyang gustong sirain ng iba? San ba ako lulugar? Naiisip ko nalang, lahat ng ito, lahat ng pagtitiis, lahat ng sakit nakakaya ko dahil sa isang tao lamang. Ang aking Ina. Tuwing nakikita ko sya, yun lang ang mga pagkakataong nagpapabago sa aking isipan. Nagpapatatag ng aking loob. Hindi. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis. Kailangan nya ako.

Bakit ang ibang tao sakim sa pera? Bakit sila ganun? Yun lang ba ang importante sa buhay? Oo alam ko, hindi ka makakakilos kung wala kang pera pero hanggang dun lang ba ang sukatan ng iyon pagkatao? Sisirain mo ang pagkatao mo dahil sa pera? Alam ko masarap ang may pera, masarap mabuhay, marami kang mabibili, makakakain, makukuha, giginahawa ka, pero yun lang ba un? Hanggang dun lang???

May kilala ako, sobra ang ambisyon na sya buhay. Lahat planado... Pati kung sino ang dapat nyang mapangasawa... Bakit hindi, nang galing sya sa wala. Kaya nang may makita syang oportunidad na gumanda at maiangat ang buhay nya, hindi na nya ito pinakawalan. Nung una akala ko mabuti syang tao, akala ko ok sya.. bilib nga ako e. Kaso nanglumaon, ang unggoy damitan mo man, unggoy parin. Di po ba?

Nakakapanghinayang lang... Hindi ako naiinggit sa mga pamilyang ang sasaya kung nagkikita-kita. Dahil naramdaman ko rin yun, sa isang punto ng aking buhay. Akala ko nga magtutuloy-tuloy na.. Kaso sabi ko nga.. mapaglaro ang tadhana. Pera. Ambisyon. Galit. Inggit. Pag pinagsama-sama mo, walang matigas na pader ang makakaligtas. Kawawa ang mga bata. Nagkakaroon ng debisyon. Nagkakaron ng mga maling pagkakakilanlan. Nasan ang pamilya? Nasan ang pagkakaisa, pagmamahal, pagaaruga...

Ewan ko ba. Ayoko sanang sumuko... Ayoko sanang maniwalang wala nang mabuting kahihinatnan ito... kaso ito ang realidad. Ito ang totoo. Wala na. Wala nang pag-asang mabuo muli. At ayoko na rin. Iisang tao lang ang aking gusto at dapat intindihin. Sya at ang ilang kasama sa aming tahanan ang aking pamilya. Sila lang. Wala na akong magagawa kundi ang ipagdasal nalamang sila. Sana malinawan ang kanilang pag-iisip na... pera lang yan. Ano ba ang mas importante? Ang pagmamahal ng isang kapamilya o ang pera na unti-unting sumisira sa iyong pagkatao?

Buhay nga naman....

Late night madness...

Hmm… I just got home. I’m not sleepy yet so I thought of updating my blog. Although minsan tinatamad talaga ako and would rather sleep… :p

Jet and I almost had a stupid fight over something outrageously small stuff a few hours ago. I was not able to speak to him almost the whole day and yesterday was a blur. I missed him.. Maybe because sometimes he’s my sanity amidst all the chaos around me. Not talking to him even for one day – maski for a few minutes lang – would mean a bad night for me. Babaw noh?! Pero he’s like that to me. Never naman syang nagreklamo na he’s too tired to even say goodnight. Kilala ko naman yung tao. I know when he’s tired and if he doesn’t feel na makipagusap. Honest sya and surprisingly I accept it. Before kasi I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Aminin ko, I’m a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships. It’s my way or no way at all. Hehehe… Through the years… I think I’ve changed a lot. Learned from all my mistakes. And I really thank God for sending Jet in my life. He maybe a lot younger than me (six years to be precise!), but he’s more mature in a lot of way. Nasasakyan kasi nya yung mga tantrums ko. At saka yung minsan pagiging bungangera ko (pero less na ngayon ha!) hindi nya pinapatulan… Lam nya kasing once na nailabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko at naging kalmado na.. dun sya magsasalita. Hay… Sweet din naman kaya ang loko kahit pano. He’s not the kind of guy na would shower you with material stuff… He would offer his services… (Oh! Bago magisip ng masama dyan… patapusin muna ako ha…) He would offer to drive me anywhere and anytime… Yun eh.. before sya naging busy sa school. Everytime na may errand ako he would say na sya nalang service ko… at least kamasa daw nya ako… Aww… how sweet. Every now and then he would surprise me with little stuff… like buying me things out of the blue.. Maski walang okasyon. Or he would suddenly come here in Quezon City just to be with me kahit dapat magpahinga nalang sya. Imagine from Muntinlupa to Q.C. Hay… that’s my man… :p

He’s not perfect though. Super kulit yan! Grabe! Parang bata minsan and antukin! Siguro ang pwede ko lang kaagaw sa kanya ay tulog. Hehehe! Why am I writing about him? Boring noh? Basta I really love this guy! He’s different. Really different from all the… others. Ito yung relationship ko na gusto ko talagang ipaglaban. There was a time na muntik na kaming mag break dahil sa isang taong wala naman kwenta but I knew in my heart na sya ang mahal ko, I swallowed my pride and asked him to give our relationship another chance. Hay…. Think about what you can do about love. I just hope we’ll last as long as we wanted too. I know I want to give my best. I want this relationship to be different from all the ones I had. I can feel it naman eh. Diba intuition. I knew this was different from the first time I said yes to him. Now, I could only speak for myself, I hope he feels the same way too. Dyahe naman kung hindi diba? Para akong tanga daldal ng daldal dito tapos ending he would break it off with me… Hehehe! Ewan para akong tanga. Nonsense blabber…. It is 3am already… I started this blog almost 4 hours ago… di ko parin matapos tapos… lintik na GB yan…

Naku! Tama na nga… dapat ko nang i-post ito.. Late na… Nangungulit narin si Mandy… gusto na sigurong umakyat sa room namin…

The Tale of The Shoe

Till she came it was all cold.
Ever since my mother died the feather bed felt hard as a stone floor. Every word that came out of my mouth limped away like a toad. Whatever I put on my back now turned to sackcloth and chafed my skin. I heard a knocking in my skull, and kept running to the door, but there was never anyone there. The days passed like dust brushed from my fingers.
I scrubbed and swept because there was nothing else to do. I raked out the hearth with my fingernails, and scoured the floor until my knees bled. I counted grains of rice and divided brown beans from black.
Nobody made me do the things I did, nobody scolded me, nobody punished me but me. The shrill voices were all inside. Do this, do that, you lazy heap of dirt. They knew every question and answer, the voices in my head. Some days they asked why I was still alive. I listened out for my mother, but I couldn't hear her among their clamor.
When everything that could possibly be done was done for the day, the voices faded. I knelt on the hearth and looked into the scarlet cinders until my eyes swam. I was trying to picture a future, I suppose. Some nights I told myself stories to make myself weep, then stroked my own hair till I slept.
Once, out of all the times when I ran to do the door and there was nobody there, there was still nobody there, but the stranger was behind me. I thought for a moment she must have come out of the fire. Her eyes had flames in their centers, and her eyebrows were silvered with ash.
The stranger said my back must be tired, and the sweeping could wait. She took me into the garden and showed me a hazel tree I had never seen before. I began to ask questions, but she put her tiny finger over my mouth so we could hear a dove murmuring on the highest branch.
It turned out that she had known my mother, when my mother was alive. She said that was my mother's tree.
How can I begin to describe the transformations? My old dusty self was spun new. This woman sheathed my limbs in blue velvet. I was dancing on points of clear glass.
And then, because I asked, she took me the ball. Isn't that what girls are meant to ask for?
Her carriage brought me as far as the palace steps. I knew just how I was meant to behave. I smiled ever so prettily when the great doors swung wide to announce me. I refused to canape and kept my belly pulled in. Under the thousand crystal candelabras I danced with ten elderly gentlmen who had nothing to say but did not let that stop them. I answered only, Indeed and Oh yes and Do you think so?
At ten to twelve I came down the steps and she swept me away. Had enough? she asked, lifting a hair off my long glove.
But she was old enough to be my mother, and I was a girl with my fortune to jabber. They each told me to do something different. Take me back tomorrow night, I said.
So she appeared again just when the soup was boiling over, and took a silver spoon from her pocket to feed me. Our fingers drew pictures in the ashes on the hearth, vague shapes of birds and islands. She showed me the sparkle in my eyes, how wide my skirt could spread, how to waltz without getting dizzy. I was lithe in green satin now; my own mother would not have recognized me.
That night at the ball I got right into the swing of things. I tittered at the old king's jokes; I accepted a single chicken with and nibbled it daintily. I danced three times with the prince, whose hand wavered in the small of my back. He asked me my favorite color, but I couldn't think of any. He asked me my name, and for a moment I couldn't remember it.
At five to midnight when my feet were starting to ache I waited on the bottom step and she came for me. On the way home I leaned my head on her narrow shoulder and she put one hand over my ear. Had enough? she asked.
But I didn't have to listen to the barking voices to know how the story went: my future was about to happen. Take me back tomorrow night, I said.
So she came for me again just when the small sounds of the mice were getting on my nerves, and she told me they were coachmen to drive us in state. She claimed her little finger was a magic wand, it could do spectacular things. She could always make me laugh.
That night my new skin was red silk, shivering in the breeze. The prince hovered at my elbow like an autumn leaf ready to fall. The musician played the same tune over and over. I danced like a clockwork ballerina and smiled till my face twisted. I swallowed a little of everything I was offered, then leaned over the balcony and threw it all up again.
I had barely time to wipe my mouth before the prince came to propose.
Out on the steps he led me, under the half-full moon, all very fairy-tale. His long moustaches were beginning to tremble; he seemed like an actor on a creaking stage. As soon as the words began to leak out of his mouth, they formed a cloud in which I could see the future.
I could harldy hear him. The voices were shrieking, Yes yes yes say yes before you lose your chance you bag of nothingness.
I opened my teeth but no sound came out. There was no harm in this man; what he proposed was white and soft, comfortable as fog. There was nothing to be afraid of. But just then the midnight bell began to toll out the long procession of years, palatial day by moonless night. And I leapt backward down the steps, leaving one shoe behind.
The bushes tore my dress into the old rags. It was perfectly silent on the lawn. She was waiting for me in the shadows. She didn't ask had I had enough.
I had got the story all wrong. How could I not have noticed she beautiful? I must have dropped all my words in the bushes. I reached out.
I could hear surprise on her breath. What about the shoe? she asked.
It was digging into my heel, I told her.
What about the prince? she asked.
He'll find someone to fit, if he looks long enough.
What about me? she asked very low.
I'm old enough to be your mother.
Her finger was spelling on the back of my neck.
You're not my mother, I said. I'm old enough to know that.
I threw the other shoe into the brambles, where it hung, glinting.
So then she took me home, or I took her home, or we were both somehow taken to the closest thing.

*********

In the morning I asked, Who were you before you walked into my kitchen? And she said, Will I tell you my own story? It is a tale of a bird.

I’m so stressed out. Just came from my meeting with Atty. Padilla. But it also feels good that you have someone who really knows the law to give you insights, what to do and what not to do in certain situations. I don’t know why they (my parents) didn’t do this when they were the one handling our family business. Maybe because they believed they were kind enough to our employees, they trusted them that nothing would happen. But people change. They changed a lot. I don’t know why. It’s so frustrating.

Now, although I grew up surrounded by Parva, Solna and Heidelberg machineries, I still feel like I don’t know anything about it. Let alone about all the laws involved. When my sister left for Canada last November 2004, it felt like a blur. I was thrown into a pack of wolves. I was anticipating it. I even had nightmares. I got really scared. I was thinking I’m going to fail the promises I gave her; to take care of the business and Nanay. You know what is more frustrating than having “pasaway” na employees? It is having people you thought you could trust but betray you in the end. For what?! money, power, selfishness or inggit?

God! My Nanay would always say, “walang masamang tinapay”. I salute her for that, for having complete faith in every person she meets. But it also has its downside… people tend to be abusive. They saw it as a chance to get what they want, whatever they want whenever they want.

I feel sad when I think about what might happen in the near future. About this legacy my father left us. A small business (started almost thirty years ago) that gave us a good life. A very good life. For that, I’m forever thankful and in debt to my parents. My only way of repaying them is looking after my father’s grave (he died six years ago) and caring for my mother.

As for the business… I will try to keep my head above water and swim for dear life.

my first post...

I lost the first blog I made here ages ago. I forgot the password and username... hehehe! Hay... that's me! Always forgetting things... Dami kasing iniisip lately. So many changes and responsibilities. In an hour or two, i'll be having my second meeting with our lawyer. Goodness! On a friday night still doing business. Sana mag cancel sya. Sana.

I still have that hang-over (hang-over sa katatawa) from last night's KTV session with Jai and our friends from Marikina. Grabe! Ate Tina got really drunk... magdive ba naman sa table. Buti nalang at di nabasag yung mga bottles at ang pulutan! buti at di natapon. Nawala lasing ko dun ah! Drama kasi ni Ate Tina e. Got home mga 1:30am na yata. Still watched a late show till 3am. I couldn't sleep, with all that alcohol, sleep didn't came easy. Hhhmm....

It's almost eight...

Later.