I don’t know where to start. I’m not even sure why I’m writing it down for the world to read. I promised myself that I won’t write anything that is too personal (what is too personal anyway?) This is my blog. My open journal. This is about me and what I’m going to write about is a part of me as a person… my life, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. Do I make sense? No. I don’t think so. That’s me for the past couple of days… I’m not making sense anymore. Maybe I’m crazy. Hay…
I’m becoming depressed or should I say frustrated with my relationship with Jet. I don’t know. It’s been my issue ever since he started work. I’ve talked it over with some friends. They’ve given me advises. Advises that I’ve tried doing and for a time it worked. I also tried talking to Jet about it. Though at the beginning of the conversation I knew already what his reaction would be. He didn’t like me feeling this way and he started blaming himself and he wanted to quit his job the next day. I told him that this is why I didn’t want to tell him my frustrations because I knew he would take it differently. Time and again, he didn’t understand my problem. It was frustrating because my plan was to tell him what I was feeling and why I’m feeling that way and I expected him to say “It’s okay… we’ll get through this…” but he did the opposite. He got mad. I was expecting that he would support me. Take me to his arms and assure me that things won’t change and things would be okay. I guess, he got used to the situation that I’AM the stronger one. That I’AM the one making things okay for both of us. That I don’t show any sign of weakness. But I do get tired too you know. I’m only human. Every now and then, I would like a pat in the back or some assurance. I would like to be the damsel in distress. I would like for him to be my hero who’ll save me once in a while.
But they say “Love is giving without expectations”. “Love is unconditional”. I should say, IT DEPENDS because it TAKES TWO TANGGO. How will a relationship work if only one is working for it. What that’s? You just give and give? Until when? Until you get tired? Until your heart gets tired of it?
Like recently, I don’t know why he kept doing it over and over and over again even though he knows it pisses me off. I’ve told him countless times that I hate it when I send him a message and he wouldn’t text back. A single text that would only take him less than a minute to make. One single text just to let me know and I wouldn’t bother him if he asked me to.
He is so insensitive. Basta naging busy sya. Naging preoccupied with people or something… Wala na. Etsapuwera kana… Hirap ba yung hinihingi ko sa kanya na magtext naman sya kung nasan sya and what he’s doing. I mean, text messaging is the only communication we have. We don’t talk on the phone that much anymore… Like twice or thrice a week nalang and we only see each other once a week. All I’m asking is for him to text me. That’s all! And he is too selfish to even do it. I hate him for that. For making me feel discarded. I don’t know why he does it over and over again even if I asked him and even begged him to stop doing to me.
Why are some men like this? Why do they grow complacent when they learned that you loved them too much? Bakit ganun? It’s so unfair that he could do this to me even if I asked him to stop it. Tapos if I’m the one doing something he doesn’t like, he expects me to not do it again – ever again because if I do it again it would make him mad... really mad.
Bakit ganun? Because of my anger kanina, I don’t want to see him this coming Thursday (the thought of seeing him doesn't excite me). I don’t want to talk to him. I want him to learn his lesson. I want to make him feel how it is like to be ignored.
I don’t even feel him in this relationship anymore. I’m tired and I’m lonely. Imagine baliktad mundo namin. When I’m awake he is asleep naman and when I’m asleep he’s at work, I’m free on weekends and he is not. Anong gagawin ko pag weekend? Tutunganga sa bahay? I want to go out but I don’t have anybody to go out with. When we see each other naman every Thursday half of it I’m stressed out because it is also our pay day in the office, by the time I’m done with my work I’m not myself anymore when I face him… tapos ako pa ang magiisip kung anong gagawin namin for that day. When I ask him naman what he wants to do he would only say “I don’t know. Up to you.” I mean! Come on! Give me a fucking break! Take the saddle once in a while! Be in control! Help me make this work!!!! Help me!!!
I’m mad. I’m angry and I’m frustrated with this relationship! I don’t know until when… I do love him. I really do but I’m getting really tired.
I wish he would do is part. I wish he would listen to me without being angry…
