Wednesday, June 27, 2007

my babies...

I was taking a nap yesterday afternoon, when I woke up I found both of them like this. Lisa on my right and Princess on my left. They like sleeping on my bed whenever they see me sleeping but usually they would stay at one portion of the bed but never like this. I find it rare and cute. So I had to take some pictures. Hehehe!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Remembering Tatay...

Happy Father's Day!!!

November 14, 1928 - April 28, 1999







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The hand i still miss...

Thank you Tatay for everything...

I miss you so much....

I Love You...

Monday, June 11, 2007

?

I don’t know where to start. I’m not even sure why I’m writing it down for the world to read. I promised myself that I won’t write anything that is too personal (what is too personal anyway?) This is my blog. My open journal. This is about me and what I’m going to write about is a part of me as a person… my life, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. Do I make sense? No. I don’t think so. That’s me for the past couple of days… I’m not making sense anymore. Maybe I’m crazy. Hay…

I’m becoming depressed or should I say frustrated with my relationship with Jet. I don’t know. It’s been my issue ever since he started work. I’ve talked it over with some friends. They’ve given me advises. Advises that I’ve tried doing and for a time it worked. I also tried talking to Jet about it. Though at the beginning of the conversation I knew already what his reaction would be. He didn’t like me feeling this way and he started blaming himself and he wanted to quit his job the next day. I told him that this is why I didn’t want to tell him my frustrations because I knew he would take it differently. Time and again, he didn’t understand my problem. It was frustrating because my plan was to tell him what I was feeling and why I’m feeling that way and I expected him to say “It’s okay… we’ll get through this…” but he did the opposite. He got mad. I was expecting that he would support me. Take me to his arms and assure me that things won’t change and things would be okay. I guess, he got used to the situation that I’AM the stronger one. That I’AM the one making things okay for both of us. That I don’t show any sign of weakness. But I do get tired too you know. I’m only human. Every now and then, I would like a pat in the back or some assurance. I would like to be the damsel in distress. I would like for him to be my hero who’ll save me once in a while.

But they say “Love is giving without expectations”. “Love is unconditional”. I should say, IT DEPENDS because it TAKES TWO TANGGO. How will a relationship work if only one is working for it. What that’s? You just give and give? Until when? Until you get tired? Until your heart gets tired of it?

Like recently, I don’t know why he kept doing it over and over and over again even though he knows it pisses me off. I’ve told him countless times that I hate it when I send him a message and he wouldn’t text back. A single text that would only take him less than a minute to make. One single text just to let me know and I wouldn’t bother him if he asked me to.

He is so insensitive. Basta naging busy sya. Naging preoccupied with people or something… Wala na. Etsapuwera kana… Hirap ba yung hinihingi ko sa kanya na magtext naman sya kung nasan sya and what he’s doing. I mean, text messaging is the only communication we have. We don’t talk on the phone that much anymore… Like twice or thrice a week nalang and we only see each other once a week. All I’m asking is for him to text me. That’s all! And he is too selfish to even do it. I hate him for that. For making me feel discarded. I don’t know why he does it over and over again even if I asked him and even begged him to stop doing to me.

Why are some men like this? Why do they grow complacent when they learned that you loved them too much? Bakit ganun? It’s so unfair that he could do this to me even if I asked him to stop it. Tapos if I’m the one doing something he doesn’t like, he expects me to not do it again – ever again because if I do it again it would make him mad... really mad.

Bakit ganun? Because of my anger kanina, I don’t want to see him this coming Thursday (the thought of seeing him doesn't excite me). I don’t want to talk to him. I want him to learn his lesson. I want to make him feel how it is like to be ignored.

I don’t even feel him in this relationship anymore. I’m tired and I’m lonely. Imagine baliktad mundo namin. When I’m awake he is asleep naman and when I’m asleep he’s at work, I’m free on weekends and he is not. Anong gagawin ko pag weekend? Tutunganga sa bahay? I want to go out but I don’t have anybody to go out with. When we see each other naman every Thursday half of it I’m stressed out because it is also our pay day in the office, by the time I’m done with my work I’m not myself anymore when I face him… tapos ako pa ang magiisip kung anong gagawin namin for that day. When I ask him naman what he wants to do he would only say “I don’t know. Up to you.” I mean! Come on! Give me a fucking break! Take the saddle once in a while! Be in control! Help me make this work!!!! Help me!!!

I’m mad. I’m angry and I’m frustrated with this relationship! I don’t know until when… I do love him. I really do but I’m getting really tired.

I wish he would do is part. I wish he would listen to me without being angry…

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Yes! I'm Still Alive!

After a week of being confined to my room, I'm still alive! Yes I am!

It’s been one hell of a week for me. Hell!!! As in hell talaga!

I was hoping that Monday would be better, but I was wrong. It was a lot worse and it was only the beginning. I woke up with a massive headache. It was like my eyes where going to pop out from their sockets and my jaw felt like their going to drop every time I open them. Advil became my new bestfriend. I was popping them every 4 hours. It was crazy. Until Ate Lita asked Tita Ampy to call Dr. Adarna for a home service. I couldn’t walk or talk that much… All I wanted was sleep and hope that by the time I wake up it would all just be a bad dream. But the pain made it all real. Really real and unforgettable.

Dr. Adarna gave me two more medicines to take care of the side effects of mumps kasi I’m too old na daw to have them and the last thing we wanted to happen was for side effects to occur. He even asked me if I were pregnant. Masama daw sa buntis could result daw for the baby to develop a hole in its heart. Kaya ako naman kahit dinedesmenoriya na, eh nagpabili kagad ng EPT, just in case lang naman. But even before the single line appeared, I knew I wasn’t pregnant. He also told me to go easy with Advil. Every six hours lang ang take and that’s for three days only… Huwwaaatt!!!??? Nalokah ako! Huhuhu!!! Hindi ko ata kaya yun. Naging dependent na daw ba! Hahaha!

I was a walking zombie for five days. I wasn’t eating well… Heck! I was just eating so I could take my medicine but parusa talaga! Parusa na ngumuya at kumain. Pero hindi pwede. I didn’t cry though. I was frustrated and mainitin ang ulo. Maski si Jet napaginitan ko maski walang sense. And speaking of Jet, Thursday is our day. He was frustrated too na hindi kami magkikita ng Thursday kasi daw he got used to seeing me every week, ano daw ba gagawin nya that day. I told him nalang to clean his room or do his laundry or anything just to keep his mind off me. So ako naman, wala akong magagawa. Dahil ayoko namang ipilit na magkita kami because I’m afraid naman for him at baka mahawa sya.

So Thursday came, I received a call from him before 7am. Sabi nya he was on his way home dahil hinatid daw nya brother nya. Ako naman, dahil inaantok pa, ok sige… And I went back to sleep. Aba! After 15minutes eto na! He came barging into my room! I was surprised! Hahaha! I mean grabe! Hindi ko talaga ineexpect na he would do that. Risk his health just to see me. He brought me flowers and mangoes. Really sweet of him. Well except for the part when he saw me… Napaatras talaga sya at ngumiwi ang mukha nya. Hahaha! I should have taken a picture of him when he saw me. Priceless talaga! Ayaw na pumasok sa room ko. Natakot ata! Hahaha! Kamukha ko daw yung villain sa Spawn. Yung clown daw… Ako naman, I’m thinking, I look like Shrek.


We had breakfast together, although ako nakaupo sa table at sya nasa may counter malayo from me. But I was contented seeing him there. Sabi nya bad naman syang boyfriend kung hindi nya ako dadalawin. He stayed for an hour. No kisses or hugs just flying kisses that the angels found amusing. Pinagtawanan nila kaming dalawa, corny daw namin. Hehehe! Really appreciated what he did. I just hope he didn’t catch anything. God! I really hope so.

After his visit medyo okay okay na ako. Come Friday, my mumps gone na talaga. But Friday night, I found myself with fever. I was burning up again with a 38.9 temperature. I was using two blankets and still I was feeling cold. I was taking Biogesic every 4 hours and yet hindi ako pinagpapawisan. Nakukulam na ata ako ah. Saturday morning… (today) I was little bit hopeful na mawala na talaga. By lunch time pinagpawisan na ako and my fever was gone. My appetite is not that okay yet. Every time I eat something parang gusto ko syang isuka. It’s like I’m looking for a certain taste or type of food but I don’t know what it is.

By far this is the only experience na talagang sinusumpa ko. I don’t want to go through it anymore. If you have a chance, get yourself a vaccine and your children too. Grabe ang paghihirap talaga. Even my sister was surprised. She told me I already had my vaccine against it and I already had them before.

That’s life. By Monday I know everything will be okay. Start of a new week for me.

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Hope to see Jet on Thursday!

Can’t wait to go shopping for Ate Cindy. Can’t wait to make lakwatsa again!!! Wwwhaaa!!! I need to see a mall!!! Hehehe!

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I took pictures of me since day one till day six to see the development. It was scary. My face got big talaga. Not going to post them here! Hehehe!