Baguio...

Yepeey! I'm off to Baguio tonight with Jet for our holiday get-away... I've been bugging him since summer for a vacation and now its just a few ours away. Hehehe! Can't wait to see and experience Cafe By The Ruins again and walk along Session Road. It's been 2 years. I missed Baguio. It holds a special place in my heart. I don't know why but I love everything about it and its people. And now I got to experience it again with someone special too.

Tell you more about my trip when I get back... :)

Man's Best Friend

“Can’t find God in the usual places… churches, books or preachers’ faces? Keep on searching and don’t give up, You may just find Him in the eyes of a pup.”

I had the chance to watch "Kontrobersyal" a while ago. One of their episodes was "Pangil sa Pangil". A look at how Filipinos train their pet dogs to be killers. Pit-bulls were trained at a young age to get fit and ready to fight in an arena where in people bet on them without remorse. I cried while watching it. Because it pains me to see innocent animals get hurt and even die because of human selfishness. I don’t understand why they do it. Money? Fame? Or did they lose their souls already?

I look at Mandy my pet dog. She’s nine months. She was given to me by Jet when she was two months old. Honestly I didn’t think that she would last this long with me. Because although my family and I had dogs before, I didn’t have anything to do with them and how they were brought up. I would see them around the house but without knowing how they were fed or cared for. I was young and was not really interested with dogs. Not until Jet gave me this cute puppy. I remember the first night she spent with me, I got really upset and I couldn’t sleep because she was crying and I know she was looking for Jet. I said I would give myself one week, just one week to get use to her. After that, things turned to be okay and I kept her ever since. It’s been a whirlwind of a relationship. I got frustrated at times when she would pee in my room or would chew on our furniture or my favorite slipper regardless of the many toys I bought for her. I was surprised at first to see her reaction when I get home and how she would greet me. She would jump and show how excited and happy she is to see me. Goodness, you don’t see that anywhere else or from anyone. Now as she’s grown a lot older, a lot of her personality is showing. She’s a sweet dog, she’s very loving, she likes to play, and she doesn’t bite but would only bark on strangers. She likes taking naps (like me), she likes to be scratch on her tummy, she likes to be hug or be carried around but I couldn’t do it anymore that much because she’s grown a lot heavier than I could bear. She loves sleeping on her couch with her pillow and sometimes with her toy beside her. I treat her as my baby. Just because she doesn’t come from any pricey breed, she doesn’t deserve to be treated any less. She is still a dog, still could feel pain, happiness and I believe, has a soul. I love her. I love her so much to the brink that people think I spoil her.

When I watched that episode from Kontrobersyal, I cried. I cried so much. Having Mandy in my life taught me a lot of things about animals, respecting them, knowing and being aware of them. I got so attached with dogs, any kind of dogs, dogs I see in a pet store to dogs I see in the street – homeless and starving. I was thinking if only I have a lot of money, I would adopt them, feed them and give them a good life. They don’t deserve to be beaten and killed just because you need pulutan, or money. Sometimes I wish that we have that same kind of dedication and love for our animal pets as seen on a cable show Animal Precinct from Animal Planet Channel. I would cry sometimes when I watch that show. See people leave their pets on their backyard to die or throw them down several flights of stairs. How could they do that??? It is so unbelievable. Heartless. It makes us less human. As what Boy Abunda said, “sa bawat patak ng pawis at dugo ng asong nakikipaglaban, hindi lakas ang nawawala o buhay ng aso, kundi ang ating pagkatao…” Sad. Sad but true.

I’ve been meaning to update my blog for several days now. But every time I find myself in front of Suzy, I would just stare at the blank screen and instead play solitaire -until I feel sleepy. There is always tomorrow. Hehehe… Alas! It’s been two weeks and still no blog and I’ve already broken my record in solitaire :) I’m so lazy, before I would keep a journal and would update it nightly before going to bed. Well, that was 12 years ago. :p

~~~~

Christmas is almost here, ten days to be exact. For the first time in my life (since I started doing it like fifteen years ago) I didn’t put up the Christmas tree or do any decoration around the house (ate lita did it), this is also the first Christmas that I didn’t buy gifts for my godchildren, nephews and nieces. I didn’t feel like doing it. I guess I lost the Christmas spirit already. I just want to finish my duties in our business this holiday and have that long vacation. Christmas party with my girlies will be on the twenty-first, twenty-third will be a small party with our friends from Marikina, a party that Jet planned. I was surprised when he told me he wanted to cook for them and offered my house as a venue without my knowledge… Hehehe! It’s okay. Twenty-Six, Jet and I planned to attend the World Pyro Olympics at Roxas Blvd., some of his favorite bands will be performing there (Wunjo & Kapatid). I hope it will push thru because I don’t have anything to do this holiday. I don’t feel like going to our relatives in Alabang or in Marulas. Honestly, maybe that’s the reason why I don’t feel Christmas this year. I don’t have a family to celebrate it with. The ones I have, I don’t want to celebrate it with them. Why? I have my own personal reasons…

Well… okay. Ever since my sister left for Canada last year, we, I think, just went on our separate ways. Things are complicated between me and my siblings and I don’t want to pretend everything is okay when we’re in a different territory. When we celebrated Nanay’s birthday at home last Oct 21, it was okay that we we’re all under one roof entertaining our friends and relatives but when it is in a different location like my Uncle’s house in Alabang… well, I don’t want to be a wall flower there because I’m not close with my relatives from my mother’s side (or even from my father’s side). Pathetic isn’t it? Nah! If only my sister was here it would be okay for me to go there and be with them. But she’s not and I don’t want to be caught in a “situation”. I would rather be at home on Christmas Eve with my angels (house help). Sad, but I know someday things will change. Things will change.

~~~~

On a brighter side, what I’m looking forward too one of these days is what Jet and I planned for some street children around my area. Last year some of the leftover loot bags I made for children who come to our house every Christmas, were given away to street children around Katipunan Avenue. The reaction was overwhelming. When I heard them say “Salamat po Ate!” “Merry Christmas po Ate!” Wow! The experience just blew me away. Why haven’t I thought of it years ago?! I would rather now spend the money I earned to children less fortunate. I would rather buy food for them and make them smile even though it would only be for one night. Make the “Season of Giving” truly happen.

Jet and I decided to mark it as another one of our yearly rituals.

~~~~

What else is new with me? Still haven’t been to a good movie since Harry Potter, I’ve been dying to see the new Reese Witherspoon movie but never had the chance to do so. I want to watch King Kong!!! Wwhaaa!!!

~~~~

Goodness it’s almost 2am… Better sleep already… Busy day tomorrow… Errr… later I mean. One more week!!! Hang in there kiddo!

"Phenomenal Woman"

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

- maya angelou-

WITH YOU

Wide eyed in my false possession, everything that I knew
Stand on the edge of forever, the only way’s through
If clarity hides in the shadows, my heart will know the way
And so take a step further, yesterday won’t stay

Mindful of empty pretension, the way that I go
And peer through the one-sided mirror, the images know
I reach up and fumble at stars that shine on me
Take a step back and through smiling eyes you’ll see

Can you hear my call
If I believe it
Will you catch my fall

And we stay a while
To breathe for the moment
Keep your hand in mine
And know that I’ll be with you

Know that I’ll be with you

-rayyn-

INTO ME

Close my eyes as walls move in to hold me
A mind that’s filled with memories left untold
And tear off pages of foregone conclusions
To recreate the pieces as a whole

Listening as silence now surrounds me
Waiting as the watchful winds draw near
And leave behind the fragile disillusion
Until the waking dreams begin to clear

And the background may be blinding
But now my eyes can see

Are the hands of time unwinding into me
Into me

-rayyn-

LOST

I broke down when there was no one around
My mouth wide could not make a sound

So weak and tied, you know I’m breathing but I’ve died
So cold inside, a small dark place to hide
To hide

You took my hand and led me to an old familiar place
The awful things that fill my mind disappear without a trace
Watch the tears fall from my eyes as you gaze upon my face
And you take my fears away

-rayyn-

SET ME FREE

As I travel on this road of blind uncertainty
Scared of what the future holds, while you watched over me
Glorified my useless pride and lived without a care
And I fell down and died again, but you were always there

As I stand before the light, so merciful and kind
Only in your childlike eyes, the peace that I can find
And if I stay beyond this path, fearful and alone
I’ll turn around to look for you, and make my journey home

So take my heart and hold it close for now I know
Your love will set me free

Love will set me free

-Rayyn-

Ebay.ph

this site is sooooo addictive! my goodness... at present i've won 3 bags, 1 cd and a pocket pc and i'm still bidding. this is soooo bad for people who are shopaholics! hehehe... but i see to it that i'm bidding for an item that is really authentic. so far i'm a satisfied bidder. :p

~~~

Saturday... nothing to do. Bath time for the dogs. Tomorrow is more exciting though. Jet and I planned to have our breakfast picnic at Loyola Memorial Park. I was not able to visit my father's grave last Nov. 1 so I suggested for a picnic tomorrow nalang. No more crowd and traffic - I hope! Hehehe! :)

life... life... life...

Hayz... My birthday was okay... Hmm... What did we do? Ah... Jai and some of our friends from Marikina came over for lunch. After that, Jet arrived around 2pm. It was raining so we decided to bring them home... kasama kasi sila Ela and Sarah (the kids). Then we went to Megamall for the The Speaks event at Odyssey Records. We arrived early so we decided to have a snack at McDonalds... 4 large fries and 1 twister fries later... Yun na! Actually si Jet lang ang interested sa band I stayed in the sideline while they performed 3 songs and Jet had his CD signed. Nandun pa nga ang Cueshe... Hehehe....
After that we just walked around the mall... I was thinking of buying a pair of shoes as a gift to myself. But I couldn't find anything to my liking. Then we saw this kiosk named Branded. It is like Happy Days. They sell shirts with Tito Vic and Joey prints, Sarao, Little Pupung... you know brands that you see around the 70's or 80's when you were a kid. Ang cute! Grabe! Jet bought me 3 shirts as a gift! I love them.
We didn't eat at any fancy restaurant as we planned. We just had dinner at Teryaki Boy, our old time favorite at Gateway Mall. Had coffee and went home.

~~~

Before the EVAT took effect last Nov 1, I went panic buying last weekend. I brought with me Ate Lita, Jinalyn and Jet as our driver and went to Shopwise Cubao. Luckly inspite of the long weekend, the place was not crowded as I expected it would be, maybe because people already left the metro. So after 3 hours, 2 carts full and aching feet... We headed for the counter. Wow! The cost of living increases everyday! Anyway I still got a month to pay for it. Hehehe!

~~~

My pc is "sick" I already sent a message to Gian regarding this matter. Huhuhu! I couldn't update any of my techie stuff because I'm afraid that it would effect them. Call me stupid, but I'm not really that knowledgeable with computers and its technicalities... I leave them to the experts... Hehe! Anyways... These are the only things I could do now: Surf and blog. :(

~~~

Another long weekend. Yeepeey!

A Happy Day!

Today is my birthday!!! Yepeey! Off to see The Speaks at Megamall later with Jet and a nice quiet dinner I hope... Hmm... saan kaya? Gayuma at Katipunan or Chateau Verde at UP Diliman??? Hehehe! Anyway, this is my day... No work for me! Yahooo! Queen for a day.

BMR Launch

Last Thursday Jet and I watched the Brownman Revival Album Launch at the Megamall Megastrip... We even bumped into one of his friends and asked him if he would like to join us and he did. Ang cool talaga ng BMR and they're very kind pa. Reggae music talaga nakakasayaw… I first heard that kind of music from my bro’s CD collection (UB40) and the movie Cool Runnings. After that di nako masyado naging interested not until Jet introduced me to Toots and The Maytals and then came BMR… Matagal narin sila sa music scene, since 1994 but ngayon lang sila nagkaron ng album. Grabe! Ibang klase talaga! Nakakahigh sila. And! One of their music influences is Eheads! Love that band! Syempre! Kapanahunan ko yata sila! Hehehe! Love ko na song nila is “Dahan Dahan”. Maybe because it is about making decisions in life. Tapos kanta pa daw sa akin ni Jet ang “Ikaw Lang Ang Aking Mahal” kilig! Anyway, here are some pictures taken by Jet… galing mo talaga dumiskarte Be!

Weekend

I love weekends. For a month now Jet and I have been spending it together. He would come on a Saturday morning, we would sometimes do some groceries, bring my dogs to the vet, watch a movie, have coffee and cig, have a hotchick or two… Then he would sleep over and go home the next day. That’s my weekend… the only thing I look forward to these days. Last night I was telling him that I was his mistress. Sa akin sya pag weekends diba? Hehehe… Mistress na mistress ang lola! But it is fun having him around. I feel safe. Kasi wala nang lalake dito sa house eversince Ate’s family left. So puro girls kami dito. So if anything happens no one is there to help us.

Funny you know, with this relationship, I don’t even think or imagine being married to him. Before I would have all these crazy things in my head… daydreaming and all with my boyfriend then. But now, I’m more relaxed. I want to take it slow and I know he’s a lot younger than me so my thing is, we may not end up together but that’s totally okay. What’s important is that what we have now as a couple. Ika nga ni Jai “Go with the flow”… On the other hand, he’s the one who kept saying “Pag kasal na tayo” “Pag may anak na tayo” and all that… Napapangiti lang ako… hay buhay!

Ey! October 2 na pala… My birthday is almost here… Hehehe! Another year older and I hope wiser. I still have no definite plan yet. But I have this idea about this foundation Hazel told me. Make-A-Wish Foundation. Instead of giving myself a party, I would be sponsoring a kid or two (depending on what you want/budget). Instead of giving me gifts, sa bata mapupunta yung gifts. Hhmm… I’m still looking for a good place McDonalds maybe with a playground. I don’t know… And also I still have this idea about having a party in an orphanage. Hmm… Un lang naman ang mga iniisip kong pwede kong gawin sa birthday ko… Depende parin sa budget! Hehehe! Goodness I still have 25 days to go! Wow! Birthday muna ni Muder! Hehehe!

Anywayz, Sunday! Nothing to do again… Jet just left. Just thought of updating my blog and playing Gunbound…

Drunk as Drunk

Drunk as drunk on turpentine
From your open kisses,
Your wet body wedged
Between my wet body and the strake
Of our boat that is made of flowers,
Feasted, we guide it - our fingers
Like tallows adorned with yellow metal –
Over the sky's hot rim,
The day's last breath in our sails.

Pinned by the sun between solstice
And equinox, drowsy and tangled together
We drifted for months and woke
With the bitter taste of land on our lips,
Eyelids all sticky, and we longed for lime
And the sound of a rope
Lowering a bucket down its well.
Then,We came by night to the Fortunate Isles,
And lay like fish
Under the net of our kisses.

~pablo neruda~

oo00oo

oh god! oh god! oh god! :)

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~pablo neruda~

Giving

I was browsing through my book collection and I saw this red book I purchased a long time ago and completely forgot about it. I haven’t read it yet though, its objective is that if ever you have questions in life and some things are bothering you, especially about love, you hold the book and just open it and there will be your answer. The title is Love Wisdom. So, holding it I thought about my relationship with Jet right now. Where we are and what’s happening to us lately. I don’t know how the book knew (stupid thing to even ask) or is it merely coincidental, but it opened to “GIVING”.

****

There is a time to give and a time to receive. Now is your time to give. You need to work out what it is that you can give and to whom, as well as the manner of giving which is appropriate. Always give for the sake of giving, rather than because you hope to see it returned. Some of us are selfish and ungenerous and we need to alter this behavior if our relationships or potential relationships are to flourish. When we fail to give, we keep ourselves closed and we block the flow of energy which is necessary for a healthy relationship. When we life from a belief which says we don’t have enough to share, then our lives quickly reflect this belief and it becomes true. The only way to change this is with a leap of faith. When you start to give, more will come to you. You will find more returned to you than you ever gave away, as long as you stay open and don’t return to tight, ungiving attitudes and behavior. There is enough for everyone. We live in a time of abundance. It’s only our fear which closes us off from this abundance. Trust that you have enough to share and the reward will be tremendous. Give from the heart rather from the ego to discover the true joy of giving.

****

I did a little reflection and thought about my actions towards him lately. Am I not giving him space? Am I not giving him enough time for himself? Am I not giving enough for this relationship? Maybe not, I know I’m guilty. It seems to be my problem ever since. There are moments that I become selfish, self-centered and I forget that he is also a part of this relationship. That he has his own needs as an individual. I remember we were having this fight over a picture – A PICTURE! And I was dumbstruck when he told me “I was not acting my age and if only I could hear myself”. Really, that made me stopped and put a lid in my mouth. I was, as what Jai told me, “nakahanap ng katapat ko”. Hehehe! She is right. He rarely gets mad and if he does, it is always with a valid reason. I don’t understand why he is like that. I would sometimes out of the blue start a fight but he wouldn’t budge and in the end it is me who will look bad, which is just right because I had to start that stupid fight in the first place.

I remember an ex lover telling me that I’m bad at receiving criticism that I get offended too much. Hhmm… Maybe I was. Maybe I was too proud to accept it. Maybe I was too proud to give in. To know that I too have my own weaknesses and I can’t be that perfect or wonder woman I believed I was. I thought I was. I thought I was doing it right. Maybe I was not giving much in the relationship. That is what I’m trying to avoid happening right now. I do get a little off track sometimes, just like that photo incident; which could have been prevented if I just used my head instead of my mouth.

Give and take they say it is, a relationship that is. Try to be more open, to be more giving and I know he appreciates it. I’m not a perfect girlfriend. But I try to make up for the things I know I’ve hurt him. Maybe now is the time to be MORE giving, giving in a sense that, I should focus more about his emotions and not mine; whether it is about deciding when to meet and what to do when we are together. Let him be in control. Give him the freedom to do the things that I know he wants to do without being afraid if his love is still mine; because I know he is honest to me and very much loyal. I should stop being afraid and take that leap of faith before its too late...

For our country....

Did you know that the Philippines’ coconut geotextile ( a.k.a. coconet) for soil erosion control has been chosen as one of the 12 finalists in Newsweek and BBC’s (British Broadcasting Corporation) World’s World Challenge?

The World Challenge is basically a competition/search designed at identifying groups or individuals all over the world whose projects have contributed great impact at grass roots level.

A documentary about Philippine Coconut geotextile or coconet industry will be shown on the BBC World cable channel on September 24 around 8:30 GMT and will also be featured in the August 29 special issue of Newsweek.

“The World Challenge” already offers a tremendous exposure and publicity to our flourishing Philippine coconut geotextile industry and to our Philippine coconut fiber exporters. But it would be great liberation for our country, which has been getting very bad publicity nowadays, to win this prestigious competition.

TO VOTE, PLEASE CLICK

www.theworldchallenge.co.uk

and click the picture of Philippine coconet.

Please help us campaign for more voters by forwarding this message to your co-worker, friends and relatives.

Thanks.

muni-muni

I'm tired, but I don't feel like sleeping yet and Jet just left. We spend the day in the mall, watched a movie (The Brother's Grimm), correction! I watched while he slept. Hehehe... and did some window shopping... After a while he wanted to go to my place. I cooked dinner while he played with Mandy. I felt a sudden rush of loneliness. The house seems so quiet... empty. Though I could hear "the angels" watching TV. But the fact is, there are only five of us inside a four-storey house. Unlike before, my sister's family was here. Niko and Victor (my two bubbly nephews) kept the house alive and up. But now, almost a year have passed, a lot has changed. A lot.

When we talked about families, being a family, what word comes to your mind? Love, security, trust, acceptance, understanding, unity, sharing and so much more! To be brutaly and honestly blunt here, I don't feel any of that right now. I mean coming from the so-called family that I (still/hoping to) have. When my sister left for Canada last November 2004, a lot of things changed in my life. I've acquired a lot of responsibilities. And she is still the one I call whenever I feel down or I needed a boost. There are a lot of things right now that wanted me down on the ground. Wanted me out... People who don't trust me, people who don't know me after all, after all the years we've shared. I thought I could trust them, I thought they knew better. But I was wrong, I was quite wrong.

****

Money they say are the root of all evil. But no I don't think so. It is the people that makes money evil. People who worships, desires, wanted money that makes money evil. People who are BLINDED by ambitions and jealousy. People who could sell their soul for what.. a certain amount? I know a lot of people like that. I've encoutered quite a number of them in my life. People who uses money to get their ambition, people who uses money to gain freinds, people who uses money to make the world go round. Sad isn't it? But with a kind of economy our country is having, you'll seldom see people who wouldn't do a "kapit-sa-patalim".

But when these things happen in a family.. within a family... isn't it much sadder? More pathetic I think. A brother doesn't trust a sibling just because the sibling is not a TRUE member of the family. Sad.. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. I pity the brother. Imagine, with that thought, with that hatred, with that "tamang hinala" inside you... where does that lead you? Who threw all the "pinagsamahan" out of the window? Who is the bad guy here? Definitely not the sibling who was only given instructions. Definitely not the sibling who is just doing her job. Definitely not the sibling who KNOWS what is really going on. Definitely not the sibling given all the responsibilities. Not her.

What I told her, just remain quiet. No need to explain things. Because in the first place, if they want you to be honest, to be transparent, let them make the first move. Talking about HONESTY and TRANSPARENCY... Hah! What a big joke! Look in the mirror damn ass! Look in the mirror!!!

It is a sad thing. Just a sad thing... They can say whatever they want, they can throw a lot of things at you, the most important thing is, you do your job, you have God by your side, and the truth will always set you free... the TRUTH.

*****

I'm just lucky, I feel that I am. Although I don't share the same blood as they have or have a close relationship with them now, I know my Tatay is proud of me. I know I make Nanay happy. I had/have the chance to be of service to them. By living with Nanay now, here, I give her the best care there is, they may say that we "baby" her too much... Can't they just be glad that someone is caring for their mother??? Can't they just be greatful that eventhough thier mother is surrounded by people who are not blood related to her, she's not neglected!? God! if only they know how hard it is to care for an elderly... I don't know if they can... I don't know. All I can say is they're all full of crap!!! I only owe my life to Tatay and Nanay and nobody else. They can say whatever they want... I'll just laugh at them. They can try to put me down... They can try a lot of things... But let us all remember that, whatever we do, what goes around comes around.

****

As for now, I'm contented. I'm okay, It gets a little lonely sometimes I admit, but knowing that Nanay is in good health, we still eat three times a day, Jet and I are happy with our relationship, friends are okay, I think... I can survive all these. Just hang in there... Hang in there....

Just a taxi ride...

I just got home from an early dinner with jai (before she goes to work) in Cubao and I had this wonderful ride back home. You see the taxi I chanced upon has a lady driver! I was really surprised and I gleefully took the front seat. She was not your typical driver. First, she was wearing pearls! Hehehe! And she was really pretty (I think she's in her late 40's). When I got in, she said I smelled nice daw and asked for my perfume. I was smilling all the way home, because me being a taxi rider almost in all my "walks", never had a lady driver not until a few minutes ago. I felt REALLY safe. I was interested, why be a taxi driver... She's been in the business for fourteen years now.. (uso pa daw ung gemini na taxi), she used to own a lot of taxi units but her drivers gave her a lot of problem so in 2000 she decided to sell all of them and take the wheel instead. Till now sya parin ang drive ng unit nya. She didn't talk much... La rin me naisip itanong, I was just in awe.. Hehehe... and before we said goodbye, she told I looked like Arlene Muhlach daw... yup... I know we're big.. hehehe...

Anyways, that was really an interest ride for me... I already rode a tricycle with a lady driver but never a taxi... I like lady drivers.. they're a lot nicer and I don't know.. I just felt safe.... :p

bakit ganun...

Ang buhay minsan nakakatawa talaga... magugulat ka nalang... hay.. bakit ganun? Pagkatapos ng isang problemang ilang buwan ko naring dinadala, heto nanaman. Minsan na isip ko na hindi ko na kaya. Ayoko na... Suko na ako. Ano ba pinaglalaban ko? Ano ba makukuha ko sa mga bagay na pilit kong ayusin pero sadyang gustong sirain ng iba? San ba ako lulugar? Naiisip ko nalang, lahat ng ito, lahat ng pagtitiis, lahat ng sakit nakakaya ko dahil sa isang tao lamang. Ang aking Ina. Tuwing nakikita ko sya, yun lang ang mga pagkakataong nagpapabago sa aking isipan. Nagpapatatag ng aking loob. Hindi. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis. Kailangan nya ako.

Bakit ang ibang tao sakim sa pera? Bakit sila ganun? Yun lang ba ang importante sa buhay? Oo alam ko, hindi ka makakakilos kung wala kang pera pero hanggang dun lang ba ang sukatan ng iyon pagkatao? Sisirain mo ang pagkatao mo dahil sa pera? Alam ko masarap ang may pera, masarap mabuhay, marami kang mabibili, makakakain, makukuha, giginahawa ka, pero yun lang ba un? Hanggang dun lang???

May kilala ako, sobra ang ambisyon na sya buhay. Lahat planado... Pati kung sino ang dapat nyang mapangasawa... Bakit hindi, nang galing sya sa wala. Kaya nang may makita syang oportunidad na gumanda at maiangat ang buhay nya, hindi na nya ito pinakawalan. Nung una akala ko mabuti syang tao, akala ko ok sya.. bilib nga ako e. Kaso nanglumaon, ang unggoy damitan mo man, unggoy parin. Di po ba?

Nakakapanghinayang lang... Hindi ako naiinggit sa mga pamilyang ang sasaya kung nagkikita-kita. Dahil naramdaman ko rin yun, sa isang punto ng aking buhay. Akala ko nga magtutuloy-tuloy na.. Kaso sabi ko nga.. mapaglaro ang tadhana. Pera. Ambisyon. Galit. Inggit. Pag pinagsama-sama mo, walang matigas na pader ang makakaligtas. Kawawa ang mga bata. Nagkakaroon ng debisyon. Nagkakaron ng mga maling pagkakakilanlan. Nasan ang pamilya? Nasan ang pagkakaisa, pagmamahal, pagaaruga...

Ewan ko ba. Ayoko sanang sumuko... Ayoko sanang maniwalang wala nang mabuting kahihinatnan ito... kaso ito ang realidad. Ito ang totoo. Wala na. Wala nang pag-asang mabuo muli. At ayoko na rin. Iisang tao lang ang aking gusto at dapat intindihin. Sya at ang ilang kasama sa aming tahanan ang aking pamilya. Sila lang. Wala na akong magagawa kundi ang ipagdasal nalamang sila. Sana malinawan ang kanilang pag-iisip na... pera lang yan. Ano ba ang mas importante? Ang pagmamahal ng isang kapamilya o ang pera na unti-unting sumisira sa iyong pagkatao?

Buhay nga naman....

Late night madness...

Hmm… I just got home. I’m not sleepy yet so I thought of updating my blog. Although minsan tinatamad talaga ako and would rather sleep… :p

Jet and I almost had a stupid fight over something outrageously small stuff a few hours ago. I was not able to speak to him almost the whole day and yesterday was a blur. I missed him.. Maybe because sometimes he’s my sanity amidst all the chaos around me. Not talking to him even for one day – maski for a few minutes lang – would mean a bad night for me. Babaw noh?! Pero he’s like that to me. Never naman syang nagreklamo na he’s too tired to even say goodnight. Kilala ko naman yung tao. I know when he’s tired and if he doesn’t feel na makipagusap. Honest sya and surprisingly I accept it. Before kasi I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Aminin ko, I’m a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships. It’s my way or no way at all. Hehehe… Through the years… I think I’ve changed a lot. Learned from all my mistakes. And I really thank God for sending Jet in my life. He maybe a lot younger than me (six years to be precise!), but he’s more mature in a lot of way. Nasasakyan kasi nya yung mga tantrums ko. At saka yung minsan pagiging bungangera ko (pero less na ngayon ha!) hindi nya pinapatulan… Lam nya kasing once na nailabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko at naging kalmado na.. dun sya magsasalita. Hay… Sweet din naman kaya ang loko kahit pano. He’s not the kind of guy na would shower you with material stuff… He would offer his services… (Oh! Bago magisip ng masama dyan… patapusin muna ako ha…) He would offer to drive me anywhere and anytime… Yun eh.. before sya naging busy sa school. Everytime na may errand ako he would say na sya nalang service ko… at least kamasa daw nya ako… Aww… how sweet. Every now and then he would surprise me with little stuff… like buying me things out of the blue.. Maski walang okasyon. Or he would suddenly come here in Quezon City just to be with me kahit dapat magpahinga nalang sya. Imagine from Muntinlupa to Q.C. Hay… that’s my man… :p

He’s not perfect though. Super kulit yan! Grabe! Parang bata minsan and antukin! Siguro ang pwede ko lang kaagaw sa kanya ay tulog. Hehehe! Why am I writing about him? Boring noh? Basta I really love this guy! He’s different. Really different from all the… others. Ito yung relationship ko na gusto ko talagang ipaglaban. There was a time na muntik na kaming mag break dahil sa isang taong wala naman kwenta but I knew in my heart na sya ang mahal ko, I swallowed my pride and asked him to give our relationship another chance. Hay…. Think about what you can do about love. I just hope we’ll last as long as we wanted too. I know I want to give my best. I want this relationship to be different from all the ones I had. I can feel it naman eh. Diba intuition. I knew this was different from the first time I said yes to him. Now, I could only speak for myself, I hope he feels the same way too. Dyahe naman kung hindi diba? Para akong tanga daldal ng daldal dito tapos ending he would break it off with me… Hehehe! Ewan para akong tanga. Nonsense blabber…. It is 3am already… I started this blog almost 4 hours ago… di ko parin matapos tapos… lintik na GB yan…

Naku! Tama na nga… dapat ko nang i-post ito.. Late na… Nangungulit narin si Mandy… gusto na sigurong umakyat sa room namin…

The Tale of The Shoe

Till she came it was all cold.
Ever since my mother died the feather bed felt hard as a stone floor. Every word that came out of my mouth limped away like a toad. Whatever I put on my back now turned to sackcloth and chafed my skin. I heard a knocking in my skull, and kept running to the door, but there was never anyone there. The days passed like dust brushed from my fingers.
I scrubbed and swept because there was nothing else to do. I raked out the hearth with my fingernails, and scoured the floor until my knees bled. I counted grains of rice and divided brown beans from black.
Nobody made me do the things I did, nobody scolded me, nobody punished me but me. The shrill voices were all inside. Do this, do that, you lazy heap of dirt. They knew every question and answer, the voices in my head. Some days they asked why I was still alive. I listened out for my mother, but I couldn't hear her among their clamor.
When everything that could possibly be done was done for the day, the voices faded. I knelt on the hearth and looked into the scarlet cinders until my eyes swam. I was trying to picture a future, I suppose. Some nights I told myself stories to make myself weep, then stroked my own hair till I slept.
Once, out of all the times when I ran to do the door and there was nobody there, there was still nobody there, but the stranger was behind me. I thought for a moment she must have come out of the fire. Her eyes had flames in their centers, and her eyebrows were silvered with ash.
The stranger said my back must be tired, and the sweeping could wait. She took me into the garden and showed me a hazel tree I had never seen before. I began to ask questions, but she put her tiny finger over my mouth so we could hear a dove murmuring on the highest branch.
It turned out that she had known my mother, when my mother was alive. She said that was my mother's tree.
How can I begin to describe the transformations? My old dusty self was spun new. This woman sheathed my limbs in blue velvet. I was dancing on points of clear glass.
And then, because I asked, she took me the ball. Isn't that what girls are meant to ask for?
Her carriage brought me as far as the palace steps. I knew just how I was meant to behave. I smiled ever so prettily when the great doors swung wide to announce me. I refused to canape and kept my belly pulled in. Under the thousand crystal candelabras I danced with ten elderly gentlmen who had nothing to say but did not let that stop them. I answered only, Indeed and Oh yes and Do you think so?
At ten to twelve I came down the steps and she swept me away. Had enough? she asked, lifting a hair off my long glove.
But she was old enough to be my mother, and I was a girl with my fortune to jabber. They each told me to do something different. Take me back tomorrow night, I said.
So she appeared again just when the soup was boiling over, and took a silver spoon from her pocket to feed me. Our fingers drew pictures in the ashes on the hearth, vague shapes of birds and islands. She showed me the sparkle in my eyes, how wide my skirt could spread, how to waltz without getting dizzy. I was lithe in green satin now; my own mother would not have recognized me.
That night at the ball I got right into the swing of things. I tittered at the old king's jokes; I accepted a single chicken with and nibbled it daintily. I danced three times with the prince, whose hand wavered in the small of my back. He asked me my favorite color, but I couldn't think of any. He asked me my name, and for a moment I couldn't remember it.
At five to midnight when my feet were starting to ache I waited on the bottom step and she came for me. On the way home I leaned my head on her narrow shoulder and she put one hand over my ear. Had enough? she asked.
But I didn't have to listen to the barking voices to know how the story went: my future was about to happen. Take me back tomorrow night, I said.
So she came for me again just when the small sounds of the mice were getting on my nerves, and she told me they were coachmen to drive us in state. She claimed her little finger was a magic wand, it could do spectacular things. She could always make me laugh.
That night my new skin was red silk, shivering in the breeze. The prince hovered at my elbow like an autumn leaf ready to fall. The musician played the same tune over and over. I danced like a clockwork ballerina and smiled till my face twisted. I swallowed a little of everything I was offered, then leaned over the balcony and threw it all up again.
I had barely time to wipe my mouth before the prince came to propose.
Out on the steps he led me, under the half-full moon, all very fairy-tale. His long moustaches were beginning to tremble; he seemed like an actor on a creaking stage. As soon as the words began to leak out of his mouth, they formed a cloud in which I could see the future.
I could harldy hear him. The voices were shrieking, Yes yes yes say yes before you lose your chance you bag of nothingness.
I opened my teeth but no sound came out. There was no harm in this man; what he proposed was white and soft, comfortable as fog. There was nothing to be afraid of. But just then the midnight bell began to toll out the long procession of years, palatial day by moonless night. And I leapt backward down the steps, leaving one shoe behind.
The bushes tore my dress into the old rags. It was perfectly silent on the lawn. She was waiting for me in the shadows. She didn't ask had I had enough.
I had got the story all wrong. How could I not have noticed she beautiful? I must have dropped all my words in the bushes. I reached out.
I could hear surprise on her breath. What about the shoe? she asked.
It was digging into my heel, I told her.
What about the prince? she asked.
He'll find someone to fit, if he looks long enough.
What about me? she asked very low.
I'm old enough to be your mother.
Her finger was spelling on the back of my neck.
You're not my mother, I said. I'm old enough to know that.
I threw the other shoe into the brambles, where it hung, glinting.
So then she took me home, or I took her home, or we were both somehow taken to the closest thing.

*********

In the morning I asked, Who were you before you walked into my kitchen? And she said, Will I tell you my own story? It is a tale of a bird.

I’m so stressed out. Just came from my meeting with Atty. Padilla. But it also feels good that you have someone who really knows the law to give you insights, what to do and what not to do in certain situations. I don’t know why they (my parents) didn’t do this when they were the one handling our family business. Maybe because they believed they were kind enough to our employees, they trusted them that nothing would happen. But people change. They changed a lot. I don’t know why. It’s so frustrating.

Now, although I grew up surrounded by Parva, Solna and Heidelberg machineries, I still feel like I don’t know anything about it. Let alone about all the laws involved. When my sister left for Canada last November 2004, it felt like a blur. I was thrown into a pack of wolves. I was anticipating it. I even had nightmares. I got really scared. I was thinking I’m going to fail the promises I gave her; to take care of the business and Nanay. You know what is more frustrating than having “pasaway” na employees? It is having people you thought you could trust but betray you in the end. For what?! money, power, selfishness or inggit?

God! My Nanay would always say, “walang masamang tinapay”. I salute her for that, for having complete faith in every person she meets. But it also has its downside… people tend to be abusive. They saw it as a chance to get what they want, whatever they want whenever they want.

I feel sad when I think about what might happen in the near future. About this legacy my father left us. A small business (started almost thirty years ago) that gave us a good life. A very good life. For that, I’m forever thankful and in debt to my parents. My only way of repaying them is looking after my father’s grave (he died six years ago) and caring for my mother.

As for the business… I will try to keep my head above water and swim for dear life.

my first post...

I lost the first blog I made here ages ago. I forgot the password and username... hehehe! Hay... that's me! Always forgetting things... Dami kasing iniisip lately. So many changes and responsibilities. In an hour or two, i'll be having my second meeting with our lawyer. Goodness! On a friday night still doing business. Sana mag cancel sya. Sana.

I still have that hang-over (hang-over sa katatawa) from last night's KTV session with Jai and our friends from Marikina. Grabe! Ate Tina got really drunk... magdive ba naman sa table. Buti nalang at di nabasag yung mga bottles at ang pulutan! buti at di natapon. Nawala lasing ko dun ah! Drama kasi ni Ate Tina e. Got home mga 1:30am na yata. Still watched a late show till 3am. I couldn't sleep, with all that alcohol, sleep didn't came easy. Hhhmm....

It's almost eight...

Later.