Free At Last

I don’t know how to describe how I feel right now.

All I know is that I’ve never been this happy since the break-up three months ago. Should I say that I’ve already moved on? Or have let go of everything?

I believe so.

On the eve of my birthday he called me. Asking how I was, my dogs, even asking about my schedule. I was so surprised he called and I didn’t even recognize his voice (he was using a different number). He didn’t greet me though but he cried and said he was sorry for everything and congratulated me because I finally found work. Ok, I could accept the congratulatory greeting but not his apologies. Not yet. Maybe someday at the right time.

Before he called me, I was doing a little bit okay. There were times I would think of what happened. I would miss him and there would be the pain of missing him. After the call, I was left even more confused. Why would he call all of the sudden? When after breaking up with me, he wouldn’t even take my calls and wouldn’t answer my text messages. Why now when I thought I was doing okay and I thought I have moved on. Why?

I knew I had to find the answer to my question. I knew I had to end my suffering once and for all. I had to do something. Or else I would go insane and lose my job in the process.

I had an instinct. And I wanted to confirm it.

Two things came to my mind why this effing guy would call me. One, he’s guilty and he can’t moved on with his new life – new girlfriend and somehow saying sorry to me would heal all the pain he gave me (really?! Just like that?!) – Maybe that’s what he’s thinking… Two, he’s guilty and wants a second chance. Well… I chose the first one.

I sent a message to his sister. Confirmed what I know and got my answer. He has a girlfriend already.

That answered my question. My first choice was right. Bulls’ eye!

I felt relieved. I felt liberated. Suddenly I could breathe again! It felt like a heavy load was lifted from my chest and I could smell the air and feel the sun in my skin. I felt FREE.

Somehow, knowing the truth, made me accept the reason why he broke-up with me. It made accepting easier and letting go much easier. If only he was honest from the start. But as what Mariel said, it is hard to be honest because we know it would hurt. But nonetheless, it could have been better for both us if he was.

November 6th, three months after the break-up, for the first time, I had a smile on my face that day. Truly a sign that I’m over with the pain, with the holding on and thinking that one day he would come back to me. I was done. I was over it.

At least I know, I didn’t do anything wrong to him or to our relationship. It was not me who broke someone’s heart. And I could sleep at night without guilt in my soul.

Now, I will go to work with a new hope, new agenda, and a plan. A plan for my future. I look forward to each new day.

Before, I always say to myself that I could never love again. But after finding the truth and reading Re-Birth (and watching Notting Hill), I want to fall in love again. I want to love and be loved. I want to find that guy that would love me the way I am and accept me for who I am and really really take care of me not the other way around. And I’m excited for that. I’m excited to give my love to that someone who really deserves it.

I’m just happy that it’s over.

I’m happy and at peace with myself.