Thoughts

I was checking my other FB account when my cousin started chatting with me.

The usually how are you. How's everybody blah blah blah...

And then out of the blue she asked me if I'm already married (as if they won't know if I was). Told her I was busy with work that marriage is out of the question. Then she said "YOU'RE OLD NA AH?" Thank you very much my dearest cousin. I started forgetting my age when I hit twenty-seven. I stopped counting. Sometimes when people ask how old i was I seemed stuck with that number. And mindfully say, twenty-seven!

I know! I'm turing 33 in about... exactly 11 days from now. But! what I know, I don't look my age! Hehehe! I fooled a lot of people from the office. They think I was in my mid-twenties. It feels good to be old and not look your age. Hahaha!!!

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Honestly, I really want to be married. I want a church wedding but sometimes I just want to elope and escape all the preparations and stuff. But I know, it is every girls dream to be married in a church. I'm not in a hurry. Not now. Not yet.

A friend of mine is getting married next year. I'm happy for her. So, in my barkada 6 are married and 4 remain single. Who will be next???

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One experience changed my perspective about marriage. I don't know why. Maybe the experience was too painful and at this point I'm just being careful and a little bit pessimistic. I can't help it! You were led to believe that it is the relationship that would lead to that and all of the sudden it was over. It broke my heart and changed my life.

No, I was not married before and got separated.

I was in a long-term relationship and it ended badly.

Why a change of heart with marriage when it was only a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship?

I don't know.

My five cents, no matter how much you love a person, it will never be enough. It will never be enough to secure the relationship. It will never be enough to bind you together. It will never be enough to make him happy. So what does a piece paper guarantee you? When separation and annulment is a piece of cake now a days.

I'm sorry. I'm being grumpy. I don't intend to burst any bubbles out there.

BOTTOM LINE, I believe, is that I'm so scared. So scared to give my all and be disappointed in the end. To be hurt again and to experience that kind of loneliness and sadness I thought I almost died.

I did died...

I lost a part of me that day and I never saw her again.

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Don't get me wrong. I love him. I do love him (that someone in my life right now). Although at times he would look at me and ask me why he's feeling that I'm not giving my all. That sometimes I'm so far and he couldn't get to me. One thread is not connecting no matter how much he tries to reach for me. In which I reply his imagination is running wild again. In truth, I'm scared to give him my all and fail in the end. Traumatize? Yes I was.

Sometimes, when I look at him, I see myself. The way he loves, the way he unselfishly give his all without question and the jealousy part! My goodness! Hands down! Hahaha! I'm scared for him sometimes, but one thing is for sure. I've been there and as much as possible I don't want him to feel how painful it was to lose someone you loved with all your heart and soul.

I know, it will take time for me to give my all but I know I'll get there. Sometimes it is just hard to pretend or rather be as happy or excited as he is whenever he talks about our future. He's doing all the planning and he is expecting that I'll be doing my part by next year. That I don't know. A part of me is excited to be getting married and living with him and a part of me is uncertain.

What I'm sure of, is that I want to be whole when we do decide to bind it. Not out of utang na loob, not out of kahihiyan or awa, not because I'm old. I did it because I believe and feel I'm IN LOVE with the person I'm going to spend my whole life with.

Right now, I'm not forcing anything. I just don't want to be rushed. And I just hope that he'll give me time and space sometimes.... :(