Drunk as Drunk

Drunk as drunk on turpentine
From your open kisses,
Your wet body wedged
Between my wet body and the strake
Of our boat that is made of flowers,
Feasted, we guide it - our fingers
Like tallows adorned with yellow metal –
Over the sky's hot rim,
The day's last breath in our sails.

Pinned by the sun between solstice
And equinox, drowsy and tangled together
We drifted for months and woke
With the bitter taste of land on our lips,
Eyelids all sticky, and we longed for lime
And the sound of a rope
Lowering a bucket down its well.
Then,We came by night to the Fortunate Isles,
And lay like fish
Under the net of our kisses.

~pablo neruda~

oo00oo

oh god! oh god! oh god! :)

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~pablo neruda~

Giving

I was browsing through my book collection and I saw this red book I purchased a long time ago and completely forgot about it. I haven’t read it yet though, its objective is that if ever you have questions in life and some things are bothering you, especially about love, you hold the book and just open it and there will be your answer. The title is Love Wisdom. So, holding it I thought about my relationship with Jet right now. Where we are and what’s happening to us lately. I don’t know how the book knew (stupid thing to even ask) or is it merely coincidental, but it opened to “GIVING”.

****

There is a time to give and a time to receive. Now is your time to give. You need to work out what it is that you can give and to whom, as well as the manner of giving which is appropriate. Always give for the sake of giving, rather than because you hope to see it returned. Some of us are selfish and ungenerous and we need to alter this behavior if our relationships or potential relationships are to flourish. When we fail to give, we keep ourselves closed and we block the flow of energy which is necessary for a healthy relationship. When we life from a belief which says we don’t have enough to share, then our lives quickly reflect this belief and it becomes true. The only way to change this is with a leap of faith. When you start to give, more will come to you. You will find more returned to you than you ever gave away, as long as you stay open and don’t return to tight, ungiving attitudes and behavior. There is enough for everyone. We live in a time of abundance. It’s only our fear which closes us off from this abundance. Trust that you have enough to share and the reward will be tremendous. Give from the heart rather from the ego to discover the true joy of giving.

****

I did a little reflection and thought about my actions towards him lately. Am I not giving him space? Am I not giving him enough time for himself? Am I not giving enough for this relationship? Maybe not, I know I’m guilty. It seems to be my problem ever since. There are moments that I become selfish, self-centered and I forget that he is also a part of this relationship. That he has his own needs as an individual. I remember we were having this fight over a picture – A PICTURE! And I was dumbstruck when he told me “I was not acting my age and if only I could hear myself”. Really, that made me stopped and put a lid in my mouth. I was, as what Jai told me, “nakahanap ng katapat ko”. Hehehe! She is right. He rarely gets mad and if he does, it is always with a valid reason. I don’t understand why he is like that. I would sometimes out of the blue start a fight but he wouldn’t budge and in the end it is me who will look bad, which is just right because I had to start that stupid fight in the first place.

I remember an ex lover telling me that I’m bad at receiving criticism that I get offended too much. Hhmm… Maybe I was. Maybe I was too proud to accept it. Maybe I was too proud to give in. To know that I too have my own weaknesses and I can’t be that perfect or wonder woman I believed I was. I thought I was. I thought I was doing it right. Maybe I was not giving much in the relationship. That is what I’m trying to avoid happening right now. I do get a little off track sometimes, just like that photo incident; which could have been prevented if I just used my head instead of my mouth.

Give and take they say it is, a relationship that is. Try to be more open, to be more giving and I know he appreciates it. I’m not a perfect girlfriend. But I try to make up for the things I know I’ve hurt him. Maybe now is the time to be MORE giving, giving in a sense that, I should focus more about his emotions and not mine; whether it is about deciding when to meet and what to do when we are together. Let him be in control. Give him the freedom to do the things that I know he wants to do without being afraid if his love is still mine; because I know he is honest to me and very much loyal. I should stop being afraid and take that leap of faith before its too late...

For our country....

Did you know that the Philippines’ coconut geotextile ( a.k.a. coconet) for soil erosion control has been chosen as one of the 12 finalists in Newsweek and BBC’s (British Broadcasting Corporation) World’s World Challenge?

The World Challenge is basically a competition/search designed at identifying groups or individuals all over the world whose projects have contributed great impact at grass roots level.

A documentary about Philippine Coconut geotextile or coconet industry will be shown on the BBC World cable channel on September 24 around 8:30 GMT and will also be featured in the August 29 special issue of Newsweek.

“The World Challenge” already offers a tremendous exposure and publicity to our flourishing Philippine coconut geotextile industry and to our Philippine coconut fiber exporters. But it would be great liberation for our country, which has been getting very bad publicity nowadays, to win this prestigious competition.

TO VOTE, PLEASE CLICK

www.theworldchallenge.co.uk

and click the picture of Philippine coconet.

Please help us campaign for more voters by forwarding this message to your co-worker, friends and relatives.

Thanks.

muni-muni

I'm tired, but I don't feel like sleeping yet and Jet just left. We spend the day in the mall, watched a movie (The Brother's Grimm), correction! I watched while he slept. Hehehe... and did some window shopping... After a while he wanted to go to my place. I cooked dinner while he played with Mandy. I felt a sudden rush of loneliness. The house seems so quiet... empty. Though I could hear "the angels" watching TV. But the fact is, there are only five of us inside a four-storey house. Unlike before, my sister's family was here. Niko and Victor (my two bubbly nephews) kept the house alive and up. But now, almost a year have passed, a lot has changed. A lot.

When we talked about families, being a family, what word comes to your mind? Love, security, trust, acceptance, understanding, unity, sharing and so much more! To be brutaly and honestly blunt here, I don't feel any of that right now. I mean coming from the so-called family that I (still/hoping to) have. When my sister left for Canada last November 2004, a lot of things changed in my life. I've acquired a lot of responsibilities. And she is still the one I call whenever I feel down or I needed a boost. There are a lot of things right now that wanted me down on the ground. Wanted me out... People who don't trust me, people who don't know me after all, after all the years we've shared. I thought I could trust them, I thought they knew better. But I was wrong, I was quite wrong.

****

Money they say are the root of all evil. But no I don't think so. It is the people that makes money evil. People who worships, desires, wanted money that makes money evil. People who are BLINDED by ambitions and jealousy. People who could sell their soul for what.. a certain amount? I know a lot of people like that. I've encoutered quite a number of them in my life. People who uses money to get their ambition, people who uses money to gain freinds, people who uses money to make the world go round. Sad isn't it? But with a kind of economy our country is having, you'll seldom see people who wouldn't do a "kapit-sa-patalim".

But when these things happen in a family.. within a family... isn't it much sadder? More pathetic I think. A brother doesn't trust a sibling just because the sibling is not a TRUE member of the family. Sad.. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. I pity the brother. Imagine, with that thought, with that hatred, with that "tamang hinala" inside you... where does that lead you? Who threw all the "pinagsamahan" out of the window? Who is the bad guy here? Definitely not the sibling who was only given instructions. Definitely not the sibling who is just doing her job. Definitely not the sibling who KNOWS what is really going on. Definitely not the sibling given all the responsibilities. Not her.

What I told her, just remain quiet. No need to explain things. Because in the first place, if they want you to be honest, to be transparent, let them make the first move. Talking about HONESTY and TRANSPARENCY... Hah! What a big joke! Look in the mirror damn ass! Look in the mirror!!!

It is a sad thing. Just a sad thing... They can say whatever they want, they can throw a lot of things at you, the most important thing is, you do your job, you have God by your side, and the truth will always set you free... the TRUTH.

*****

I'm just lucky, I feel that I am. Although I don't share the same blood as they have or have a close relationship with them now, I know my Tatay is proud of me. I know I make Nanay happy. I had/have the chance to be of service to them. By living with Nanay now, here, I give her the best care there is, they may say that we "baby" her too much... Can't they just be glad that someone is caring for their mother??? Can't they just be greatful that eventhough thier mother is surrounded by people who are not blood related to her, she's not neglected!? God! if only they know how hard it is to care for an elderly... I don't know if they can... I don't know. All I can say is they're all full of crap!!! I only owe my life to Tatay and Nanay and nobody else. They can say whatever they want... I'll just laugh at them. They can try to put me down... They can try a lot of things... But let us all remember that, whatever we do, what goes around comes around.

****

As for now, I'm contented. I'm okay, It gets a little lonely sometimes I admit, but knowing that Nanay is in good health, we still eat three times a day, Jet and I are happy with our relationship, friends are okay, I think... I can survive all these. Just hang in there... Hang in there....

Just a taxi ride...

I just got home from an early dinner with jai (before she goes to work) in Cubao and I had this wonderful ride back home. You see the taxi I chanced upon has a lady driver! I was really surprised and I gleefully took the front seat. She was not your typical driver. First, she was wearing pearls! Hehehe! And she was really pretty (I think she's in her late 40's). When I got in, she said I smelled nice daw and asked for my perfume. I was smilling all the way home, because me being a taxi rider almost in all my "walks", never had a lady driver not until a few minutes ago. I felt REALLY safe. I was interested, why be a taxi driver... She's been in the business for fourteen years now.. (uso pa daw ung gemini na taxi), she used to own a lot of taxi units but her drivers gave her a lot of problem so in 2000 she decided to sell all of them and take the wheel instead. Till now sya parin ang drive ng unit nya. She didn't talk much... La rin me naisip itanong, I was just in awe.. Hehehe... and before we said goodbye, she told I looked like Arlene Muhlach daw... yup... I know we're big.. hehehe...

Anyways, that was really an interest ride for me... I already rode a tricycle with a lady driver but never a taxi... I like lady drivers.. they're a lot nicer and I don't know.. I just felt safe.... :p

bakit ganun...

Ang buhay minsan nakakatawa talaga... magugulat ka nalang... hay.. bakit ganun? Pagkatapos ng isang problemang ilang buwan ko naring dinadala, heto nanaman. Minsan na isip ko na hindi ko na kaya. Ayoko na... Suko na ako. Ano ba pinaglalaban ko? Ano ba makukuha ko sa mga bagay na pilit kong ayusin pero sadyang gustong sirain ng iba? San ba ako lulugar? Naiisip ko nalang, lahat ng ito, lahat ng pagtitiis, lahat ng sakit nakakaya ko dahil sa isang tao lamang. Ang aking Ina. Tuwing nakikita ko sya, yun lang ang mga pagkakataong nagpapabago sa aking isipan. Nagpapatatag ng aking loob. Hindi. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis. Kailangan nya ako.

Bakit ang ibang tao sakim sa pera? Bakit sila ganun? Yun lang ba ang importante sa buhay? Oo alam ko, hindi ka makakakilos kung wala kang pera pero hanggang dun lang ba ang sukatan ng iyon pagkatao? Sisirain mo ang pagkatao mo dahil sa pera? Alam ko masarap ang may pera, masarap mabuhay, marami kang mabibili, makakakain, makukuha, giginahawa ka, pero yun lang ba un? Hanggang dun lang???

May kilala ako, sobra ang ambisyon na sya buhay. Lahat planado... Pati kung sino ang dapat nyang mapangasawa... Bakit hindi, nang galing sya sa wala. Kaya nang may makita syang oportunidad na gumanda at maiangat ang buhay nya, hindi na nya ito pinakawalan. Nung una akala ko mabuti syang tao, akala ko ok sya.. bilib nga ako e. Kaso nanglumaon, ang unggoy damitan mo man, unggoy parin. Di po ba?

Nakakapanghinayang lang... Hindi ako naiinggit sa mga pamilyang ang sasaya kung nagkikita-kita. Dahil naramdaman ko rin yun, sa isang punto ng aking buhay. Akala ko nga magtutuloy-tuloy na.. Kaso sabi ko nga.. mapaglaro ang tadhana. Pera. Ambisyon. Galit. Inggit. Pag pinagsama-sama mo, walang matigas na pader ang makakaligtas. Kawawa ang mga bata. Nagkakaroon ng debisyon. Nagkakaron ng mga maling pagkakakilanlan. Nasan ang pamilya? Nasan ang pagkakaisa, pagmamahal, pagaaruga...

Ewan ko ba. Ayoko sanang sumuko... Ayoko sanang maniwalang wala nang mabuting kahihinatnan ito... kaso ito ang realidad. Ito ang totoo. Wala na. Wala nang pag-asang mabuo muli. At ayoko na rin. Iisang tao lang ang aking gusto at dapat intindihin. Sya at ang ilang kasama sa aming tahanan ang aking pamilya. Sila lang. Wala na akong magagawa kundi ang ipagdasal nalamang sila. Sana malinawan ang kanilang pag-iisip na... pera lang yan. Ano ba ang mas importante? Ang pagmamahal ng isang kapamilya o ang pera na unti-unting sumisira sa iyong pagkatao?

Buhay nga naman....

Late night madness...

Hmm… I just got home. I’m not sleepy yet so I thought of updating my blog. Although minsan tinatamad talaga ako and would rather sleep… :p

Jet and I almost had a stupid fight over something outrageously small stuff a few hours ago. I was not able to speak to him almost the whole day and yesterday was a blur. I missed him.. Maybe because sometimes he’s my sanity amidst all the chaos around me. Not talking to him even for one day – maski for a few minutes lang – would mean a bad night for me. Babaw noh?! Pero he’s like that to me. Never naman syang nagreklamo na he’s too tired to even say goodnight. Kilala ko naman yung tao. I know when he’s tired and if he doesn’t feel na makipagusap. Honest sya and surprisingly I accept it. Before kasi I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Aminin ko, I’m a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships. It’s my way or no way at all. Hehehe… Through the years… I think I’ve changed a lot. Learned from all my mistakes. And I really thank God for sending Jet in my life. He maybe a lot younger than me (six years to be precise!), but he’s more mature in a lot of way. Nasasakyan kasi nya yung mga tantrums ko. At saka yung minsan pagiging bungangera ko (pero less na ngayon ha!) hindi nya pinapatulan… Lam nya kasing once na nailabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko at naging kalmado na.. dun sya magsasalita. Hay… Sweet din naman kaya ang loko kahit pano. He’s not the kind of guy na would shower you with material stuff… He would offer his services… (Oh! Bago magisip ng masama dyan… patapusin muna ako ha…) He would offer to drive me anywhere and anytime… Yun eh.. before sya naging busy sa school. Everytime na may errand ako he would say na sya nalang service ko… at least kamasa daw nya ako… Aww… how sweet. Every now and then he would surprise me with little stuff… like buying me things out of the blue.. Maski walang okasyon. Or he would suddenly come here in Quezon City just to be with me kahit dapat magpahinga nalang sya. Imagine from Muntinlupa to Q.C. Hay… that’s my man… :p

He’s not perfect though. Super kulit yan! Grabe! Parang bata minsan and antukin! Siguro ang pwede ko lang kaagaw sa kanya ay tulog. Hehehe! Why am I writing about him? Boring noh? Basta I really love this guy! He’s different. Really different from all the… others. Ito yung relationship ko na gusto ko talagang ipaglaban. There was a time na muntik na kaming mag break dahil sa isang taong wala naman kwenta but I knew in my heart na sya ang mahal ko, I swallowed my pride and asked him to give our relationship another chance. Hay…. Think about what you can do about love. I just hope we’ll last as long as we wanted too. I know I want to give my best. I want this relationship to be different from all the ones I had. I can feel it naman eh. Diba intuition. I knew this was different from the first time I said yes to him. Now, I could only speak for myself, I hope he feels the same way too. Dyahe naman kung hindi diba? Para akong tanga daldal ng daldal dito tapos ending he would break it off with me… Hehehe! Ewan para akong tanga. Nonsense blabber…. It is 3am already… I started this blog almost 4 hours ago… di ko parin matapos tapos… lintik na GB yan…

Naku! Tama na nga… dapat ko nang i-post ito.. Late na… Nangungulit narin si Mandy… gusto na sigurong umakyat sa room namin…