Buhay nga naman...

A few days ago I had a chance to talk to my sister who is based in Canada. And I learned a few things from her about what a “certain person” told her about me. Yes, I would be really honest about my reaction, I felt hurt and betrayed. Of course! What should I expect from that “certain person” who couldn’t careless to know the whole truth before judging me? Judging me. Yes. Judging me without knowing the whole story. It was unfair. But that’s reality. Some people claimed they are righteous. Righteous you say? How dare you say you’re righteous when you can’t forgive people who humbled themselves and people who accepted their mistakes and apologized for it? ANO YUN KAPLASTIKAN?!

Righteous – meaning moral, good, “just”, blameless, upright, honorable, HONEST. Do you understand that?

Maybe you are righteous in your “own” way or hope to believe you are. Mahirap sabihing righteous ka eh… Few people possess this virtue. I don’t believe there are many of them out there and I don’t think you’re one of them.

This question has been in my mind for quite some time now - “What lifestyle are you talking about?” You say you can’t believe the kind of lifestyle I have now. What lifestyle?! Pwede paki elaborate! Magsasalita ka nalang eh hindi mo pa sabihin ng deretso. Hindi mo pa sabihin sa harap ko!

Lifestyle – way of life, standard of living, existence, routine, daily life, everyday life, means.

Ano ba gusto mong maging lifestyle ko? Base sa lifestyle mo? Or “gusto” mong maging lifestyle?
Ano bang problema mo?! Ilang taon ka na nga ba? Ilang taon na ako?! Babae ka ba? Babae ba ako?! Pareho ba tayo ng generation? Nandyan ka ba nung early teenage life ko to support me? Nandyan ka ba when I felt depressed prior to the event when I learned I was adopted? Nandyan ka ba when I felt lost? WALA. Because you have your own family to take care of. Occasionally you make yourself available, yes and I’m grateful for that. Pero iba pa rin kung babae sa babae o magulang sa anak.

We grew up in a family that isn’t close. We don’t show emotions that well. Heck! We don’t even say how we love each other out in the open. Why? I don’t know, but that’s just the way how we were brought up. Tahimik. We all have our “own” lives and we live it separately. But we know how our parents supported us and tried to give us a good future. Pero kung ano man tayo ngayon eh sariling desisyon na natin yun.

Yes, I do have a different lifestyle from all of you. I smoke. I drink. Pero I don’t smoke in front of you, out of respect. I go out with my friends and have fun but CLEAN FUN! God! I’ve known them half of my life. There are times when I feel, they know me better than all of you.

How dare you say “my kind of lifestyle” when you don’t even know me! How dare you accuse me of things without knowing the truth. How dare you to judge me without knowing my side. HOW DARE YOU!

And then what?! You’ll suddenly say “hindi kasi kadugo kaya ganyan ang ugali.” Yun lang ba? Yun lang ba ang basehan nyo? Purkit ampon ako at walang bahid ng dugo ng Lopez at Medalla kaya ganun ka sama ang ugali ko?! Well… Excuse me! I might not be a perfect person, pero hindi ako naninira ng relasyon ng mga magkakapatid dahil lang sa pera, kasakiman at ambisyon tulad ng “ibang” tao dyan. Alam ko kung saan ako lulugar. Hindi ako nangangagaw ng hindi akin. Hindi ako pumapapel para mapansin. At hindi ako plastic! If I don’t like you, I show it. Hindi ako ngiting asong haharap sayo. I don’t kiss people’s asses just to get their approval. It’s either you like me or hate me, nothing in between.

My lifestyle is not based on what the society dictates. I do my own thing. The things I love and like. The things I dream and hope about. I’m not arrogant. Hindi ako madamot at higit sa lahat hindi ako pretentious. I live this lifestyle dahil kaya kong panindigan ito. Kung may pera eh di meron kung wala eh di wala. Ganun ka simple yun.

If I continue to do the things you think I shouldn’t be doing just because I’m just being me and you think I don’t have the right, you better think again. There is no way I would give up what I’m doing now because I know how to support my own LUHO. I can do things that would make me happy without spending. And I know how to adjust to people and the things around me. I’m not a spoilt brat! Tanong lang, are you the only one who deserves to be happy? To go out and have fun, go on vacation, go shopping, to eat in a good restaurant, kayo lang ba?

Funny you know, you say so many things about me and as if kayo wala kayong kamalian sa buhay nyo. Tama ba yung pagtaguan mo mga kapatid mo o pamilya mo about what’s going on with your life. Why? Are you afraid to be questioned about it? To be judged? To be envied? O pakialaman? Hindi ko makita logic dun… Pero kayo dami nyong nakikita sa ibang tao pero takot naman kayo masilip. Gulo nyo! Bakit ayaw nyong malaman at makita kung anong lifestyle meron kayo pero ibang tao pinanggigilan nyo. Kasi takot kayo at ayaw nyo may nangengealam sa buhay nyo pero kayo gagaling nyong magsalita. Puro salita.

Sana lang noh… Sa dinami-dami nyo ring alam tungkol sa buhay ko at sa dinami-dami nyo ring masasabi tungkol sa pagkatao ko… Sana alam nyo rin ang mga salitang RESPETO. KAPATAWARAN at BUKAS NA ISIP. Sana lang talaga…dahil may mga pinag-aralan naman kayo. Put it into good use… Yun lang.


(I didn’t write this and make it public to hurt the people concern. I know in some ways, they might read this entry. These are my reactions, my feelings, emotions and MY OWN OPINION. I’m just being honest. This is my open journal. Sometimes… the truth hurts.)