Oh My God!

Alam ko na gift ni Jetong sa akin for our second year anniversary! I forced him to tell me last Friday. He's bad talaga in lying. Hehehe!!! And I can't believe he did such thing! He already had it done yesterday. And according to the reaction of people who have seen it… it’s very very very nice daw! I can’t wait to see it on Tuesday!

Until now, I can’t understand how someone could do something like that. I know people will do anything in the name of love but to have your girlfriend or boyfriends name etched on your body is too much! Wouldn’t you say? Of course it is! And of course it is oh soooo romantic. But there are also factors that you should consider like what if you guys break-up (i hope not!), what happens to the tattoo? You have it erased? What will your next partner think? Wouldn’t you worry what he or she will feel about it? But then, Jetong is Jetong. On the other hand, I really really appreciate it. And honestly, this is the first time I felt appreciated and loved so much. Yung pinakita yung pagpapahalaga sa pagkatao mo, sa pagmamahal na binibigay mo sa kanya ng walang takot na husgahan ng ibang tao o mapintasan. Walang material na bagay makakasukli nun and I think his way of tattooing my name to his body is his way of saying “thank you for making a difference in my life”.

Until now I’m still lost for words to describe how I feel. I still couldn’t believe he did it. Actually, he was planning to have his third tattoo last year pa for his birthday and he wants that tattoo to be something that would signify me. Like my zodiac sign. (But the plan never pushed through - until now) What really surprised me was I never thought he would tattoo my name. Bonga talaga! Biglang humaba hair ko tuloy! Hihihi!

Now, I don’t know if I could equal that in any other way. I'm too chicken to have anything tattooed on me eh! But he said I don’t need too. Enough na daw yung mga ginawa ko for him or the things I gave him in the past.

Hay nako! Basta… Can’t wait for Tuesday so I’ll see it with my own eyes. Ganda ganda daw e…

Love you Jetong!!! Grabeee!!!

HaPpY VaLeNtInEs DaY!!!

Last night we were supposed to have a simple dinner at Bellini's, located at Marikina Shoe Expo, Cubao. But when we got there at around six, the waiter told us they’re only accepting people who had reservation beforehand as they are fully booked that night. (Why didn’t I called and made that reservation!) What a bummer… Jet didn’t want to go elsewhere and I was really not particular that night. Just want to be with him - anywhere. But he wanted that day to be a little bit special because it would be our first time to celebrate hearts day just the two of us (corny noh?!). Last year we were with my best friend Jai at Eastwood just fooling around the place. But last night was different. Then he told me to just seat back and relax… He was heading to C5 and I thought “Hmm… baka Eastwood uli!” but I was wrong, he drove passed Eastwood and I thought again maybe he’s bringing me to his house in Muntinlupa and celebrate it with his friends or his siblings. But I was wrong again… Passing the Susana Heights Exit we headed south even more. Hay… he told me to sleep nalang muna.. and I did because I was kinda tired and the motion of the car is rocking me to sleep… When I woke up we were in Sta. Rosa going to Tagaytay! I looked at him and saw him smiling… “Tagaytay noh!?!” I asked him, “Yup!” was all he said. I was ecstatic! Aww… How romantic naman! I told him bakit ang layo naman… He said if we’re going to stay in the metro area it would seem too be any ordinary day for us… Eh dinner in Tagaytay is not like we could do every time we meet daw… Hehehe!

When we got there a lot of people had the same idea. We decided to go to Josephine’s. We had a wonderful dinner. Ang lamig lamig sobra! I loved the food, the steamed Lapu-lapu and the grilled chicken ceasar. We wanted to have desert sana but then we were so full already… When we left the resto we drove around.. But it was too foggy to see anything nice and it started to rain. At around 11:30 we decided to go home. It was a slow drive back, trying to enjoy every moment of it. All the while I was thinking this monster can be sweet when you least expected it. It’s not in his nature kasi to be romantic and all. Through out dinner he was acting as if we were the only couple there (kulang nalang subuan ako!). Hay… Pag-ibig nga naman… Kung gugustuhin lang, buong buhay mo magbabago talaga.

We had coffee at Eastwood before going home. Konting kwentuhan about us… On the 22th kasi we’ll be celebrating our 2^nd year anniversary. He told me to expect something big… My goodness! What could it be??? I still have a week to make him kulit. Hehehe! He’s not talking daw because he wants to see my reaction when I get it. Hhmm.. all the more making me oh so curious!

Well, anyway, that was my valentine’s day – simple.. Nothing big or anything but definitely something new for me. Truest celebration of what the occasion was…

Just two people in love.

Trip to the Vet

Last Sunday we brought my three dogs to their doctor. It was Lisa's first trip to my vet since I got her a month ago. She's three months old now. Finally had her anti-rabies vaccine and a follow-up vaccine of 5-in-1, her de-worming isn't due for at least 2 more months. She’s in excellent condition.

Mandy on the other hand is sick. She's been shredding a lot of her fur and wouldn't eat right. My vet told me she might have heartworm disease. I’ve only started reading books/magazines about pets and I’ve read some topics about heartworm disease and how it affects our pets. But what I didn’t know was a lot of owners who have dogs infected by this disease had their pets put to sleep instead of going under the knife. My vet said the reason was they’re not sure if the dog could recover from the operation or the disease be cured. So instead of having their pet suffer, they resort to mercy killing. Now now now, that is something I don’t want to do. I love my dogs dearly. If vaccine and medication could help, no matter how much they cost, I would do it. For now, my vet gave her heartworm vaccine, de-worming, medication and a new vitamin. At present I think the vaccines are helping Mandy fight the disease. She’s eating well and isn’t shredding that much. Thank goodness!!! She still has two more vaccines left.

Stanley is as always healthy as ever. I don’t have any problem with him every time we visit the vet. He also had de-worming & heartworm vaccine.

Three dogs and three different personalities. Having them all together in one room could be a complete chaos. Lisa is so loud and always craves for attention; Mandy loves to be scratch and likes to be greeted first; Stanley (pogi) is the quiet one but when Mandy’s there… naku! Sasakit ulo mo! Kakasaway! Hehehe!

At present they keep me busy and happy. Help me with my stress. I just wish Lisa and Mandy could get along… For now I try to keep them separated and limit their interaction… Mandy gets easily irritated with Lisa’s constant barking. After 5 minutes of playing Mandy gets angry and would try to bite Lisa’s head... Just like any ordinary sisters… Hehehe! I love them so much… Mandy’s birthday is on March 26 while Stanley’s on the 5^th... it’s a double celebration for their first year of life…

Hay buhay...

Dalawang linggo. Ang gusto ko lang gawin ay umalis kung may pagkakataon. Lumayo kahit sandali mula sa mga negatibong nakapaligid sa akin. Maski alam kong sa aking pag uwi ay nariyan parin sila. Kahit sandali maalis ko sa aking isipan ang mga problema.

Hindi ko lubusang maisip kung bakit nya nasabi iyon. Maski ba hindi nya harapang sinabi at isang mapapagkatiwalaang tao ang nag paabot sa aking ng balita. Mas paniniwalaan ko ang nagsumbong sa akin. At bakit hindi? Sa aking opinyon, mas tao pa silang nagsabi sa akin dahil alam nila ang katotohanan. Nakakatawa lang talaga. Hindi naman ako agad agad na nagalit dahil alam ko sa isang banda mababanggit nila iyon at gagamiting pang laban sa aking pagkatao.

Ano ba ang pinaguugatan nitong problemang ito? Napakalaki kung aking iisa-isahin pa. Pero sa totoo lang, itong kanyang sinabi ang pinaka naapektuhan ako. Maski ang ibang taong malapit sa akin ay nagalit at sinabing huwag ko na raw kausapin o pansinin sya. Noong una kahit katiting ay may natitira pa akong respeto sa kanya. Pero pagkatapos nyang sabihin iyon laban sa akin ay ayoko na. Tama na siguro yung pinakita kong pagiging tao kung ako’y kanyang kausapin. Sa talikuran lang pala sya magaling. Bakit hindi nya sabihin sa akin ng harapan? Ikaw ba naman ay akusahang hindi mo inaalagaan ang iyong kinalakihang ina dahil hindi mo sya tunay na ina, hindi ka ba masasaktan? Simula nung umalis ang aking Ate patungong Canada, inako ko na ang responsibilidad sa pag aaruga sa aming ina sapagkat ako nalang ang natitirang “anak” na kasama nya sa bahay. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nya nasabi iyon. Sya na hindi naman namin kasama sa bahay ng buong araw. Hindi naman nya nakikita at di naman nya alam kung anong nangyayari. Yun ba ang dahilan nya para sabihin iyon? Dahil hindi nga nya nakikita? Nakakaawa sya. Wala lang syang masabi laban sa akin at sa mga kasambahay namin na matagal nang nagseserbisyo sa aming pamilya. Kung pupunta man sya ay wala na syang bukang bibig kundi reklamo, puna at pagkakagastusan. Bakit hindi sya magkusang loob at sya mismo gumawa ng mga inuutos nya? Bakit hindi sya ang gumastos at ibigay sa kanya ina? Tutal ay anak rin sya. Ewan ko ba. Hindi naman sya ganyan noon. Hindi sya ganyan noong narito pa si Ate. Bakit ngayon lang sya nagbubunganga at nagrereklamo na animo’y nagugulangan sya at mauubusan ng mana. Ayoko man maging marahas sa aking pananalita pero ito ay totoo at aking nararamdaman. Kung totoo ngang hindi ko inaalagaan ang kanilang ina ang makakapagsabi lang nyan ay ang mga tao ditto sa aming bahay at mga taong nakakakita kay Nanay. Kung sya ay pinababayaan dapat hindi ganyan ang kanyang itsura. Ang ilang bagay na nakakaepekto kay Nanay ay hindi ko na saklaw. May mga bagay o taong nakakaapekto sa kanya na hindi ko naman makokontrol at sana alam ng taong iyon ang ginagawa nya sa kanyang ina. Sa bagay na iyan hindi lang ako ang nakakakita o nakakaobserba. Sana lang maliwanagan ang iyong pag-iisip. Kung ano man ang tinuturo sayo ng iyong magaling na “attorney”, lahat yan babalik sa inyo. Mangilabot kayo! Matakot kayo sa karma!

Hindi ako takot sa inyo. Magsumbong man kayo sa lahat ng kamaganak natin at siraan ako. Wala akong pakialam. Hindi ako naghahanap ng kakampi o nagpapaawa sa kanila tulad ng ginagawa nyo. Dahil alam ko merong nakakakita at nakakaalam ng katotohanan at Sya lang ang maaring maghusga sa akin. Gawin nyo na ang lahat ng paraan, plano, binabalak nyo. Gawin nyo ng gawin. Ang mga bagay na nakuha sa mabilisang paraan ay hindi magtatagal. Ang mga mabagay na nakuha sa masamang paraan ay hindi nagbubunga ng mabuti.

Minsan, nalulungkot rin ako. Dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nauwi sa ganito ang relasyon naming magkakapatid. Nakakapagod. Pero siguro ito’y isang pagsubok. Siguro sa pagdating ng takdang panahon, maayos rin ang lahat. Pero ngayon, hindi muna. Ayoko muna.

Sa ngayon, ang kinukunan ko ng lakas ay ang mga taong naniniwala sa aking kakayahan. Sa mga taong tunay na nagmamahal at nagmamalasakit sa akin, ang mga taong mapapagkatiwalaan ko maski hindi ko sila kadugo.

~~~~

Noong isang gabi, nandito lang kami ni Jet sa bahay. Sandaling nakatulog ako at nagising na nakayakap sya sa akin. Bigla nalang ako naluha dahil sa pagkakataong iyon, naramdaman ko ang kapayapaan, naramdaman ko na parang sinasabi nyang lahat ay maayos rin. Madrama lang akong sadya nitong mga nakakaraang araw. Dala narin siguro ng maraming iniisip na pakiramdam ko’y sasabog na ako. Pag kapiling ko lang sya tsaka lang ako nagiging masaya. At sa mga araw na dapat kami’y magkita doon lang ako nabubuhayan. Nagpapasalamat lang ako dahil nandyan sya para makinig at magbigay ng payo kung kailangan ko. Maski minsan tinotopak na ako. Masaya naman sya dahil natutulungan nya ako kahit papaano. Masaya rin ako dahil kahit anong mangyari nandyan sya at hindi bumibitiw. Hay… sa banding huli, pasalamat narin ako dahil sa lahat ng mga nangyayaring negatibo sa buhay ko may mga bagay parin na nagpapaligaya sa akin. Kahit mga simpleng bagay lang at alam kong may tunay na nagmamahal sa akin.

~~~~

Ilang araw nalang araw na ng mga puso… Sabi nya kami’y mag didinner lang. Gusto daw nya subukan itong isang restaurant na nakita nya sa may Cubao area. Medyo tago syang restaurant. Ika nga liblib at hindi masyadong matao, pero sa tingin nya maganda at romantic daw. Bellini’s Italian Restaurant sa may Marikina Shoe Expo. Gusto ko rin subukan yun. Nabasa at nakita ko sa isang tv show. Matagal tagal narin yata yung restaurant na yun.

~~~~

Hay buhay parang life….

A wonderful day...

Trip to Batangas

Jet and I went to Batangas today to visit some relatives from my mother’s side because a cousin is going back to Canada and I need her to bring some stuff for my sister. Nanay came with us. She wanted to see them also and visit the place where she grew up. Two days before, she was really excited with our trip. She kept saying she wanted to go home already. It makes me happy to see her all keyed up and in a good mood.

We left at around 7:30 in the morning. A little late for me but Jet said it was okay. We’re not in a hurry. He wanted the trip to be comfortable as much as possible for Nanay. After one last stop at one of the gasoline station located at south superhighway, we continued with our travel. Normally, when I go there it was with Ate Cindy’s family and it would only take us like an hour to get there but today because of the traffic and Jet being careful not to over speed, it took us 1 hour and 30 minutes. Not bad… Nanay didn’t get bored because if she did she would have told us so. She has her funny way of letting you know that she is.

When we arrived everybody was there… Tita Mareng – my Nanay’s cousin, Ate Edna, Ate Digna, Ate Minda.. all Tita Mareng’s daughter and my cousins. We had a good time eating papayas, watermelon and for brunch we had fish and vegetables. Much to Jets liking (he’s on diet kasi.. mind you, he already lost 10 lbs. after a month of dieting). Hehehe! Nanay had a good breakfast and lunch. She was happy. Next hours were spent reminiscing about the good old days. While Jet and I ate more puto for dessert.

At around 12:30nn Nanay wanted to go home already. There’s no stopping her. And I agreed because of the bad weather there. I was thinking about the travel back home. Don’t want any hassle because of the rain and all. And besides my aunt and my cousins need to attend a funeral. So after some take-home ulam. We said goodbye.

It was fun… I mean, seeing Nanay happy. Although she was a bit tired, I knew she was happy. I on the other hand was so sleepy! Jet woke me up at 5:30 in the morning; I had only two and a half of sleep. He said he was already in our gate and need to park their car in our garage and check our van. Goodness… I wanted to sleep through out the journey but I didn’t want too, I’m afraid to influence Jet, who like me, lacks sleep also. But he was okay. We were listening to our local radio station regarding the arrival of Manny Pacquiao. That helped us be awake and be alert throughout the travel.

We arrived home at around 1:30pm… Jet and I slept from 2pm till 5:30. I was tired and so sleepy. Upon waking up we played with my dogs. Prepared dinner. I made salad for his diet and fish –again for our ulam. Around 8:00pm he was ready to go home to have a game of basketball with his high school buddies.

Yup that was my day. Now, I’m a bit sleepy and I'm missing Jet again.. Hehehe…

Well… anyway… I need to sleep already.. It’s a big day tomorrow. Wwhaa!!! Wish my Ate was here to handle these things… Wwwhaaa!!! Nyt nyt!!!

Lisa

Lisa arrived last Monday. She’s a bunch of energy alright. Goodness! I couldn’t keep up with her. Sometimes at night I find myself so dead tired. Mandy couldn’t get along with her. They would constantly bark at each other until the bigger one gets irritated. I would have to resort to a broom to break them up. I don’t hit them okay! Just trying to shush them away. Having three dogs aren’t easy. Mandy, I think is jealous of Lisa. I don’t blame her. She’s been my baby for ten months then another dog comes along to take her place. Lisa is not to take her place; I just need to give Lisa extra care because she’s only two months and too small to be left alone by herself. For the meantime, Mandy has to sleep outside my room until Lisa is big enough. I miss Mandy. And sometimes I feel guilty when I know I don’t give her the same attention that I used too but I know she understands and knows that I love her. On the other hand, I don’t have any problem with Stanley. He can be stubborn though. And Mandy loves him so much. I think she just doesn’t like other female dogs.

I’m still constantly learning about canines and their behaviors. Lot more to know out there.

~~~~~

Last night Jai and I went out. We went to Eastwood for dinner and we were supposed to have a drink afterwards but opted to have an authentic Thai foot massage at Solemates instead. Just for 400 hundred bucks you get a preparation (upper body) message and 45 minutes of foot message. It felt so good and relaxing. I would love to go back there. With all the stress I get, a little pampering once in a while isn’t bad. Like my once a month trip to Tips ‘N Toes - my nail salon since 2000. I just love that place and the people there. So warm and kind. Hehehe!

Anyways, I watched the Morales-Pacquiao Event. Before the first round even started my brother already told me that Pacquiao won in the 10th round. What a bummer. But it was a good news nevertheless. Finally he gave Morales what he deserved after hearing what Morales said about Pacquiao.. well a knock-out isn’t bad. Hehehe! It was fun watching with the angels. We could even hear our neighbor’s reaction.

~~~~

Oh well, another week starts tomorrow. Time for bed…

Therapeutic Aspects of the Human-Companion Animal Interaction

by Sandra B. Barker, Ph.D.

Although the majority of American households includes a pet, it is only recently that we have begun to explore the relationship between people and their pets and the possible physical and emotional benefits of that relationship. Early surveys reported a strong psychological and emotional attachment between people and their pets, and the term human-animal bond emerged to represent this attachment. Studies revealed that most pet owners view their pets as both enhancing the quality of family life by minimizing tension between family members and enhancing their owner's compassion for living things (Barker, 1993; Pet Theories, 1984; Voith, 1985). Using a projective technique to investigate owners' closeness to their pet dogs, Barker and Barker (1988, 1990) found that dog owners were as emotionally close to their dogs as to their closest family member. They reported that more than one-third of the dog owners in their study were actually closer to their dogs than to any human family member.

Benefits of Pet Ownership

With documentation of the strong human-companion animal bond came studies of how pet ownership may affect physical and mental health. Friedmann et al. (1980) conducted one of the first such studies, which compared the survival rates of pet owners and non-pet owners following a myocardial infarction (MI). Controlling for exercise, the investigators found a significantly higher survival rate, one year post-MI, for pet owners. Other studies supporting a cardiovascular benefit associated with pet ownership followed; they are summarized by Patronek and Glickman (1993). Perhaps the largest cardiovascular study of pet owners conducted to date involved over 5,700 participants taking part in a cardiovascular screening program in Australia (Anderson et al., 1992). The results showed that male pet owners had significantly lower systolic blood pressure, and triglyceride and cholesterol levels than males who did not own pets. The study also showed that, of females over the age of 40, those who owned pets had lower systolic blood pressure and triglyceride levels than those who did not.

Other researchers have examined the relationship between pet ownership and more general health factors. Serpell (1991) compared adults before and after they acquired a pet, and found a decrease in minor health problems for pet owners. Examining reported health and morale in older adults living in the community, Lago et al. (1989) found pet ownership and attitudes toward pets to be significant predictors of these variables. Siegel (1990) compared physician utilization of Medicare recipients experiencing stressful life events and found lower utilization among pet owners compared to those who did not own pets. Allen et al. (1991) reported that females had lowered stress levels when their dogs were present compared with the presence of a human best friend or control condition.

Professionals working with children have also written about the benefits of pet ownership. Erikson's (1963) stages of psychosocial development provide a useful framework for considering potential benefits. Pets may contribute to the development of 1) a child's basic sense of trust through the pet's constancy, security, reliability, love and affection, and ability to serve as a transitional object; 2) a sense of autonomy and initiative through the pet's serving as an active playmate and promoting exploration of the environment, and encouraging patience and self-control; 3) a sense of industry through the pet's trainability and response to the child's basic commands; and 4) a sense of identity through the pet's serving as a companion and confidant, and providing social and emotional support (Blue, 1986; Brown et al., 1996; Bryant, 1990; Robin and ten Bensel, 1990). Others have focused on specific qualities that may be enhanced in children growing up in pet-owning households. Some researchers have found that children with pets score higher on measures of empathy, self-esteem and self-concept than those who do not. (Poresky and Hendrix, 1990; Van Houtte and Jarvis, 1995).

Focusing on a clinical population, Barker et al. (1997) showed the strong supportive role of pets in the childhood of sexual abuse survivors. In this retrospective study, they found that, in some cases, the pet was the only reported supportive entity in the survivor's childhood. In sexual abuse survivors, Nebbe (1998) reports that survivors with a strong human-animal bond in childhood report less abusive behavior as adults, and lower anger levels than those lacking a strong bond.

Other researchers have investigated the effects of introducing previously unknown companion animals into health care settings. These activities have ranged from simple visitation by a pet and its owner, to the purposeful inclusion of animals in patient treatment. This animal-assisted therapy has been shown to facilitate the achievement of therapeutic goals.

My New Baby

Tomorrow I'll be getting my new baby from Tita Ampy. A gift actually from my last birthday - a three month old mini pinscher. I'm so excited! Still haven't figured out what name I'll be giving him though. I like Oscar. Jet suggested Maximus from the movie Gladiator or Shaquil - names of big and strong people for a small dog. Hehehe! Cute! Can't wait for tomorrow. A new addition to my small family. :p

ARE YOU STUPID OR LOVING UNCONDITIONALLY?
By: Jeannie E. Javelosa

Poets and writers have written about LOVE as a madness, an obsession, an emotion of great fancy that makes people go beyond themselves and forget their very sanity. Love has brought people beyond their frail humanity to bid them fly to great heights of passion and inspiration. Love has moved mountains and reduced people to monsters. Oftentimes, love has made us look stupid, feel stupid and we don’t even care, oblivious as we are to the more practical, pragmatic way of living life. On the other side of the coin is the experience of loving unconditionally, beyond ones self for the good of the beloved. Yet, stupidity in love and loving unconditionally often has such a thin line that separates them. We may feel we love our partners unconditionally, yet are actually being stupid due to the choices we make within the relationship. Or while we may look stupid from the way the world sees what is happening to us, there may be a bigger picture being played out that only we can see and understand. So what now? What’s the demarcation line between the two that dividing line that tips us off closer to one or the other, between being stupid and being an ideal lover.

I begin my stories of unique relationships that are ironically, so common too. I’ve changed their names of course, but these are real people in real time. First is about Mona, a beautiful, intelligent mother of two children and wife to a husband who is a substance addict. For years, she would come to see me crying out her woes as, every visit, she came looking like a painting: black or blue or swollen, emotionally abused by a husband when he was in one of his insecure moments. But he loves me, she cried, as she returned to him, as always, to take whatever he would give her. Somedayhe will kill you, I told her, as we tried, through the years, to help build her self-esteem and make her see that the choice of staying on with him was breaking her spirit. Everyone told her to leave him. But she stayed on, living life a shadow of herself, afraid, withdrawn, beaten inside. Marriage is a commitment, she once whispered to me. Stupid? Or unconditional loving?

Then there is Francine. Married with one child, and with a good relationship with her husband & except that the husband is mid-lifing and facing all his own insecurities. The result? Husband flirting around with a bar manager for the sheer adventure of it all. Hubby is seemingly unmindful(lost as he is and confused) of the chaos it is doing to his loving, faithful wife and the potential of loosing a home (and his children to boot!). The wife, now in great pain, wants to leave, refuses to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. Stop and wait, I tell her. In the balance of life with twelve years of marriage on one side, and a two month long flirtation on the other, its not justified that you leave! So she is struggling now, heartbreak and all, trying to love despite all his faults, trying to see if he would get out of his own midlife confusion. I am being so stupid, she cries in her pain. I think she is in middle of the lesson of learning to love unconditionally.

But what of Nina, who married right after high school and has six children. She has been married for over twenty years to the same man. He has outgrown her, having had many affairs during their marriage. She knows about them and chooses to keep quiet. Never once has she brought it up as an issue. But she has no option, being totally dependent financial on her husband. Nina has no professional skills save that of being a homemaker. The husband remains dutiful as a provider, recognizing his fullobligation to his children and her. He says he doesn’t know what love is anymore as there is no emotional connection, nor love between them. Everything is duty. And both have settled into a convenient marriage. In this case perhaps Nina has learned to love unconditionally, and perhaps too she is just being wise especially if she has no other option beyond her marriage and her role as mother.

And of course there is Malen, whose husband has had six affairs and for each time he owned up, she took him back. She thought she was trying to love unconditionally. But now, facing the fork of her mid-life, is beginning to question whether she has been stupid all along. And this does not happen just to women& I know to of men who have taken back philandering wives with the desire to rebuild their home and marriage.
Those who have found such men stupid are those who cannot understand what unconditional love is about.

So many nuances! And no real answers I guess. This is because what may seem stupid to one, may be another martyrs cause. Also, we cannot discount karma that universal force that brings back unfinished business from other lives into this present lifetime. Imbalances must be played out. A beaten wife now may have been a cruel tyrant in the past! Yes, so many nuances. And the solutions to the problems of each marriage/relationship are just as varied depending on the religious beliefs, dogma, family patterns or levels of consciousness and awareness of the people involved.

So when is a person being stupid? My personal opinion is that it is stupidity when a person allows her relationship/partner to make her loose her self respect or self-esteem. And she is totally broken and unable to grow. It is when there is stagnation of the inner spirit, of a death inside & yet the person is unwilling to make changes in her life (like leaving her husband). It is sheer stupidity not to stand up for ones values and beliefs. It is stupid when you allow another person to totally destroy your very being & and you hang on to your partner because of dependence or fear. When no positive growth is seen, when all else (unhappiness, pain, loneliness) is accepted as ones fate in life and that one cannot seem to plumb ones personal power & then there is some stupidity here.

I know too of two men who warm my heart in knowing their stories. Both remain faithful to their wives one of which is in coma, and another partly paralyzed. Both men have chosen to love unconditionally, and continue to be faithful to their wives to this day. What is it about them that make them embrace their marriages with such a passion for loving unconditionally? These are the people who see beyond their human nature and that of their partners. These are the people who have aligned theirspirits and souls to the greater spiritual journey which is Life.

I think they have picked up a secret here & as do many others who struggle to love unconditionally. To do so is a choice & a conscious choice. To love unconditionally is to invoke ones free will, that precious power God has given all of us. A person caught in the drama life, with the needs and wants of the ego just cannot love unconditionally. This is beyond them. To love unconditionally means that the Higher Ego, that Higher Self has been reached and aligned to. A clear commitment has been made to just love, despite all costs, despite the obstacles and the odds. But something mysterious happens when people love unconditionally. This Love overpowers them and raises them beyond their own small humanity, makes them experience the expansive part of the Divine Spirit, even if pain and heartbreak was part of the journey. It makes them realize that all this loving has a purpose beyond them. And they move towards wisdom and soul growth. By continuing to love unconditionally, positive changes happen and suddenly there is no more pain or mere acceptance. All this has been purified into that perfect energy of LOVE. Sometimes the erring husband returns to the relationship, changed. And this deepens the marriage. Sometimes the Love was so great to create real miracles as the love a man had for his wife and brought her out of a coma. It is a love that seeks to bring out only the positive, always the positive in the partners and the situation.

If you find yourself in pain as you struggle to learn the great PHD of Loving, ask yourself if your pain is because you are stupid, and full of fears in your comfort zone & or if you are taking a step closer to an understanding of a special nuance of loving. The greatest thing that you can do when loving unconditionally is to bring your partner back to himself, and making him whole & and in so doing, back to the relationship and to you. What is does to you is even greater. It has made you a vessel for the LOVE which the Masters, Teachers and sages of old have spoken of. You begin to embody the very best that is in you. You have become LOVE.

2006…. I wonder what is in store for me this year… Hhmm…

New Year was fun for me. We had beers – lots of beers and barbeques in our garage. While my brother had his big speakers out and played nice music. He loved my Black Eyed Peas album and played Bebot over and over. Buti nalang I was too drunk to be annoyed by it. Hehehe! It was fun because we decided to have a little merriment and we had people to celebrate it with (unlike last year). Although they’re not part of the family, they’ve been serving us for years. So for me technically they are. :) They’re my angels. I call them angels because they look after me and my Nanay and of course my baby – Mandy.

We started early, around eight in the evening. Uly, husband of Sonia, started the grill. I had fun with grilled hotdogs. We had two cases of beers… I think I had ten of them from nine till one in the morning… Beyond that… I don’t remember anymore what I did. Hehehe! My sister called and told me to go online before twelve midnight. I guess I didn’t remember it because the next day she called again and asked me why I was not online. Goodness… How could I remember? I was drunk! Nanay had fun too. Posing for the camera and was outside with us watching my brother and our neighbors lighting fire crackers. She even stayed up till 12:30am.

The next day, I had a headache. I just stayed at home the whole day. I wanted to go out and have coffee but I was too lazy to get up from bed.

~~~~~

That was how I started my new year. Drunk. Does it mean I’ll get drunk more often this year? Hehehe! Nah! With Jet always on guard, I don’t think so.

~~~~~

Now what I still have is a hang-over from my vacation. Looking through our pictures… Wwhaa! I want to go back in time and stay there forever. No worries… No problems… Just calmness, love, fun and contentment.

~~~~~

I want to leave.

I told Jet about this plan two days ago. I want to leave this country and find my own fate. He told me breaking up is not an option. We would be separated physically but in our hearts he wants to stay together. I feel bad because if I leave I’ll be leaving behind lots of people I care and love about. But I guess this is something that I must do for myself. It is time to think about myself.

I don’t know… I just want to leave.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Jetlog, masyado ka ata seryus dyan! :)

Hotel Veniz, Baguio Dec. 27-30, 2005

Goodness! What a year it was. I’m glad I survived all the stress. God! I just hope things will be different this year. I really hope and desperately pray.

Christmas Day, I just spent it at home with our angels. I didn’t feel like celebrating it with the rest of the clan. I wanted to rest and have peace and quiet for a change. I slept almost the whole day and watched T.V., all the while thinking about my Baguio trip with Jet. I’m more excited about that. Hehehe!!!

December 26 at 10:30 p.m. Jet, together with his brother, fetched me at home. Fritz was going to drop us at Victory Liner Cubao. We were supposed to take the Deluxe trip at 12:15am, but then due to misinformation, there was no scheduled trip that day. Oh my!!! Luckily there was no long queue for the regular trip. So we took that instead. At 1:15 a.m. we boarded 1886 Victory Liner Bus, got comfortable and prepared for the six hour trip ahead of us. I was in a hyper mood because I couldn’t believe that we’re finally leaving Manila behind for a four days three nights vacation in a place special to me. Hihihi!!!

We spent the first night at Jade Pension House. My brother and I used to stay there before during the summer when we usually watch Marlboro Tour. I used to find that place homey and comfortable but then, after almost ten years, the place changed. The next day we transferred to Hotel Veniz. Right at the heart of the city. I loved the place. It’s near Session Road, the market and Burnham Park. Plus! You got McDonalds with in the building!

What I love about our vacation aside from the qt we had, was our stroll around the city. We walked up and down Session Road countless times especially during the night when sleep couldn’t find us, we walked from the newly built Victory Liner Terminal to Ibay’s Silver Shop at the Lions Club, and we walked around SM Baguio just to see how big the place was although it was soooo cold. While we talked and talked about us, our plans, our future. We enjoyed also our window shopping in the market. Our inihaw na pusit in Mine’s View and fooling around with the kinky key chains. I had a good laugh there! I loved the surprised breakfast he got and our midnight snack bought at Burnham Park turo-turo while we were on our pajamas. Our Swiss dinner along Session Road. Our coffee break at Café by the Ruins and Rumuors. Our baraha tournament. Our drinking moments. Our funny videos made out of boredom. Hehehe!!! I’m really glad we had that vacation. After almost two years of being together I know we both needed that. We need to at least spend some time just the two of us. I feel that it is the only way that we’ll know each other more deeply and make the bond stronger.

We also went to the two churches I frequently visit during my trips there, The Cathedral and St. Joseph. When we first arrived in Baguio the Cathedral was the first place we went to. There was, exactly during that time, a wedding being held, so we only prayed outside the church and took a peeked inside... Funny thing though, for our last day in Baguio, we visited St. Joseph and by the looks of it, a wedding was just held there. Hhmm… is it a sign?! Hahaha!!! And we were the only people inside, surrounded by all the flowers and serenity of the church. Awww…. I was… Nothing…. :) I was smiling the whole time.

Our trip home was a lot more tiring. Although we had the chance to take the Deluxe Trip back to Manila, we left Baguio in an ungodly hour, at 1:15 p.m. of December 30. So, in Tarlac, traffic awaited us. Goodness! Would you believe! The supposedly five hour trip became an eight hour trip!!! God! I thought I lost my ass already. Jet’s iPod already drained, he borrowed mine and got it drained also! Goodness! I wanted to throw-up. But when I think about what we had in Baguio, the pain was all worth it. I wouldn’t change any single bit of experience. Never.

The only sad part was, I was worried about the people I left behind. Nanay, the angels and of course my baby – Mandy. I was so eager to go home and be with them.

It may be very mababaw or some people would say “Hmp! Baguio lang yan noh! No big deal!” But this trip really means so much to me. It brought me closer to the person I love and it helped me let loose all the negative things I acquired during the entire year of 2005 or else I’ve gone insane already. I jokingly told Jet – next stop! Boracay! Hehehe! How I wish! Maybe!

That was all what I did for my Christmas vacation. Can’t wait for summer to come though! Jet told me we’re going to Nueva Ecija to visit his relatives from his mother’s side. He made plans already! Yahoo! Just wish that nothing would come up to change that. Hehehe!

Anyways, that’s my trip to Baguio. Better hit the sack. I’m tired and very sleepy. Nyt nyt!!! :)

Baguio...

Yepeey! I'm off to Baguio tonight with Jet for our holiday get-away... I've been bugging him since summer for a vacation and now its just a few ours away. Hehehe! Can't wait to see and experience Cafe By The Ruins again and walk along Session Road. It's been 2 years. I missed Baguio. It holds a special place in my heart. I don't know why but I love everything about it and its people. And now I got to experience it again with someone special too.

Tell you more about my trip when I get back... :)

Man's Best Friend

“Can’t find God in the usual places… churches, books or preachers’ faces? Keep on searching and don’t give up, You may just find Him in the eyes of a pup.”

I had the chance to watch "Kontrobersyal" a while ago. One of their episodes was "Pangil sa Pangil". A look at how Filipinos train their pet dogs to be killers. Pit-bulls were trained at a young age to get fit and ready to fight in an arena where in people bet on them without remorse. I cried while watching it. Because it pains me to see innocent animals get hurt and even die because of human selfishness. I don’t understand why they do it. Money? Fame? Or did they lose their souls already?

I look at Mandy my pet dog. She’s nine months. She was given to me by Jet when she was two months old. Honestly I didn’t think that she would last this long with me. Because although my family and I had dogs before, I didn’t have anything to do with them and how they were brought up. I would see them around the house but without knowing how they were fed or cared for. I was young and was not really interested with dogs. Not until Jet gave me this cute puppy. I remember the first night she spent with me, I got really upset and I couldn’t sleep because she was crying and I know she was looking for Jet. I said I would give myself one week, just one week to get use to her. After that, things turned to be okay and I kept her ever since. It’s been a whirlwind of a relationship. I got frustrated at times when she would pee in my room or would chew on our furniture or my favorite slipper regardless of the many toys I bought for her. I was surprised at first to see her reaction when I get home and how she would greet me. She would jump and show how excited and happy she is to see me. Goodness, you don’t see that anywhere else or from anyone. Now as she’s grown a lot older, a lot of her personality is showing. She’s a sweet dog, she’s very loving, she likes to play, and she doesn’t bite but would only bark on strangers. She likes taking naps (like me), she likes to be scratch on her tummy, she likes to be hug or be carried around but I couldn’t do it anymore that much because she’s grown a lot heavier than I could bear. She loves sleeping on her couch with her pillow and sometimes with her toy beside her. I treat her as my baby. Just because she doesn’t come from any pricey breed, she doesn’t deserve to be treated any less. She is still a dog, still could feel pain, happiness and I believe, has a soul. I love her. I love her so much to the brink that people think I spoil her.

When I watched that episode from Kontrobersyal, I cried. I cried so much. Having Mandy in my life taught me a lot of things about animals, respecting them, knowing and being aware of them. I got so attached with dogs, any kind of dogs, dogs I see in a pet store to dogs I see in the street – homeless and starving. I was thinking if only I have a lot of money, I would adopt them, feed them and give them a good life. They don’t deserve to be beaten and killed just because you need pulutan, or money. Sometimes I wish that we have that same kind of dedication and love for our animal pets as seen on a cable show Animal Precinct from Animal Planet Channel. I would cry sometimes when I watch that show. See people leave their pets on their backyard to die or throw them down several flights of stairs. How could they do that??? It is so unbelievable. Heartless. It makes us less human. As what Boy Abunda said, “sa bawat patak ng pawis at dugo ng asong nakikipaglaban, hindi lakas ang nawawala o buhay ng aso, kundi ang ating pagkatao…” Sad. Sad but true.

I’ve been meaning to update my blog for several days now. But every time I find myself in front of Suzy, I would just stare at the blank screen and instead play solitaire -until I feel sleepy. There is always tomorrow. Hehehe… Alas! It’s been two weeks and still no blog and I’ve already broken my record in solitaire :) I’m so lazy, before I would keep a journal and would update it nightly before going to bed. Well, that was 12 years ago. :p

~~~~

Christmas is almost here, ten days to be exact. For the first time in my life (since I started doing it like fifteen years ago) I didn’t put up the Christmas tree or do any decoration around the house (ate lita did it), this is also the first Christmas that I didn’t buy gifts for my godchildren, nephews and nieces. I didn’t feel like doing it. I guess I lost the Christmas spirit already. I just want to finish my duties in our business this holiday and have that long vacation. Christmas party with my girlies will be on the twenty-first, twenty-third will be a small party with our friends from Marikina, a party that Jet planned. I was surprised when he told me he wanted to cook for them and offered my house as a venue without my knowledge… Hehehe! It’s okay. Twenty-Six, Jet and I planned to attend the World Pyro Olympics at Roxas Blvd., some of his favorite bands will be performing there (Wunjo & Kapatid). I hope it will push thru because I don’t have anything to do this holiday. I don’t feel like going to our relatives in Alabang or in Marulas. Honestly, maybe that’s the reason why I don’t feel Christmas this year. I don’t have a family to celebrate it with. The ones I have, I don’t want to celebrate it with them. Why? I have my own personal reasons…

Well… okay. Ever since my sister left for Canada last year, we, I think, just went on our separate ways. Things are complicated between me and my siblings and I don’t want to pretend everything is okay when we’re in a different territory. When we celebrated Nanay’s birthday at home last Oct 21, it was okay that we we’re all under one roof entertaining our friends and relatives but when it is in a different location like my Uncle’s house in Alabang… well, I don’t want to be a wall flower there because I’m not close with my relatives from my mother’s side (or even from my father’s side). Pathetic isn’t it? Nah! If only my sister was here it would be okay for me to go there and be with them. But she’s not and I don’t want to be caught in a “situation”. I would rather be at home on Christmas Eve with my angels (house help). Sad, but I know someday things will change. Things will change.

~~~~

On a brighter side, what I’m looking forward too one of these days is what Jet and I planned for some street children around my area. Last year some of the leftover loot bags I made for children who come to our house every Christmas, were given away to street children around Katipunan Avenue. The reaction was overwhelming. When I heard them say “Salamat po Ate!” “Merry Christmas po Ate!” Wow! The experience just blew me away. Why haven’t I thought of it years ago?! I would rather now spend the money I earned to children less fortunate. I would rather buy food for them and make them smile even though it would only be for one night. Make the “Season of Giving” truly happen.

Jet and I decided to mark it as another one of our yearly rituals.

~~~~

What else is new with me? Still haven’t been to a good movie since Harry Potter, I’ve been dying to see the new Reese Witherspoon movie but never had the chance to do so. I want to watch King Kong!!! Wwhaaa!!!

~~~~

Goodness it’s almost 2am… Better sleep already… Busy day tomorrow… Errr… later I mean. One more week!!! Hang in there kiddo!

"Phenomenal Woman"

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

- maya angelou-

WITH YOU

Wide eyed in my false possession, everything that I knew
Stand on the edge of forever, the only way’s through
If clarity hides in the shadows, my heart will know the way
And so take a step further, yesterday won’t stay

Mindful of empty pretension, the way that I go
And peer through the one-sided mirror, the images know
I reach up and fumble at stars that shine on me
Take a step back and through smiling eyes you’ll see

Can you hear my call
If I believe it
Will you catch my fall

And we stay a while
To breathe for the moment
Keep your hand in mine
And know that I’ll be with you

Know that I’ll be with you

-rayyn-

INTO ME

Close my eyes as walls move in to hold me
A mind that’s filled with memories left untold
And tear off pages of foregone conclusions
To recreate the pieces as a whole

Listening as silence now surrounds me
Waiting as the watchful winds draw near
And leave behind the fragile disillusion
Until the waking dreams begin to clear

And the background may be blinding
But now my eyes can see

Are the hands of time unwinding into me
Into me

-rayyn-

LOST

I broke down when there was no one around
My mouth wide could not make a sound

So weak and tied, you know I’m breathing but I’ve died
So cold inside, a small dark place to hide
To hide

You took my hand and led me to an old familiar place
The awful things that fill my mind disappear without a trace
Watch the tears fall from my eyes as you gaze upon my face
And you take my fears away

-rayyn-

SET ME FREE

As I travel on this road of blind uncertainty
Scared of what the future holds, while you watched over me
Glorified my useless pride and lived without a care
And I fell down and died again, but you were always there

As I stand before the light, so merciful and kind
Only in your childlike eyes, the peace that I can find
And if I stay beyond this path, fearful and alone
I’ll turn around to look for you, and make my journey home

So take my heart and hold it close for now I know
Your love will set me free

Love will set me free

-Rayyn-

Ebay.ph

this site is sooooo addictive! my goodness... at present i've won 3 bags, 1 cd and a pocket pc and i'm still bidding. this is soooo bad for people who are shopaholics! hehehe... but i see to it that i'm bidding for an item that is really authentic. so far i'm a satisfied bidder. :p

~~~

Saturday... nothing to do. Bath time for the dogs. Tomorrow is more exciting though. Jet and I planned to have our breakfast picnic at Loyola Memorial Park. I was not able to visit my father's grave last Nov. 1 so I suggested for a picnic tomorrow nalang. No more crowd and traffic - I hope! Hehehe! :)

life... life... life...

Hayz... My birthday was okay... Hmm... What did we do? Ah... Jai and some of our friends from Marikina came over for lunch. After that, Jet arrived around 2pm. It was raining so we decided to bring them home... kasama kasi sila Ela and Sarah (the kids). Then we went to Megamall for the The Speaks event at Odyssey Records. We arrived early so we decided to have a snack at McDonalds... 4 large fries and 1 twister fries later... Yun na! Actually si Jet lang ang interested sa band I stayed in the sideline while they performed 3 songs and Jet had his CD signed. Nandun pa nga ang Cueshe... Hehehe....
After that we just walked around the mall... I was thinking of buying a pair of shoes as a gift to myself. But I couldn't find anything to my liking. Then we saw this kiosk named Branded. It is like Happy Days. They sell shirts with Tito Vic and Joey prints, Sarao, Little Pupung... you know brands that you see around the 70's or 80's when you were a kid. Ang cute! Grabe! Jet bought me 3 shirts as a gift! I love them.
We didn't eat at any fancy restaurant as we planned. We just had dinner at Teryaki Boy, our old time favorite at Gateway Mall. Had coffee and went home.

~~~

Before the EVAT took effect last Nov 1, I went panic buying last weekend. I brought with me Ate Lita, Jinalyn and Jet as our driver and went to Shopwise Cubao. Luckly inspite of the long weekend, the place was not crowded as I expected it would be, maybe because people already left the metro. So after 3 hours, 2 carts full and aching feet... We headed for the counter. Wow! The cost of living increases everyday! Anyway I still got a month to pay for it. Hehehe!

~~~

My pc is "sick" I already sent a message to Gian regarding this matter. Huhuhu! I couldn't update any of my techie stuff because I'm afraid that it would effect them. Call me stupid, but I'm not really that knowledgeable with computers and its technicalities... I leave them to the experts... Hehe! Anyways... These are the only things I could do now: Surf and blog. :(

~~~

Another long weekend. Yeepeey!

A Happy Day!

Today is my birthday!!! Yepeey! Off to see The Speaks at Megamall later with Jet and a nice quiet dinner I hope... Hmm... saan kaya? Gayuma at Katipunan or Chateau Verde at UP Diliman??? Hehehe! Anyway, this is my day... No work for me! Yahooo! Queen for a day.

BMR Launch

Last Thursday Jet and I watched the Brownman Revival Album Launch at the Megamall Megastrip... We even bumped into one of his friends and asked him if he would like to join us and he did. Ang cool talaga ng BMR and they're very kind pa. Reggae music talaga nakakasayaw… I first heard that kind of music from my bro’s CD collection (UB40) and the movie Cool Runnings. After that di nako masyado naging interested not until Jet introduced me to Toots and The Maytals and then came BMR… Matagal narin sila sa music scene, since 1994 but ngayon lang sila nagkaron ng album. Grabe! Ibang klase talaga! Nakakahigh sila. And! One of their music influences is Eheads! Love that band! Syempre! Kapanahunan ko yata sila! Hehehe! Love ko na song nila is “Dahan Dahan”. Maybe because it is about making decisions in life. Tapos kanta pa daw sa akin ni Jet ang “Ikaw Lang Ang Aking Mahal” kilig! Anyway, here are some pictures taken by Jet… galing mo talaga dumiskarte Be!

Weekend

I love weekends. For a month now Jet and I have been spending it together. He would come on a Saturday morning, we would sometimes do some groceries, bring my dogs to the vet, watch a movie, have coffee and cig, have a hotchick or two… Then he would sleep over and go home the next day. That’s my weekend… the only thing I look forward to these days. Last night I was telling him that I was his mistress. Sa akin sya pag weekends diba? Hehehe… Mistress na mistress ang lola! But it is fun having him around. I feel safe. Kasi wala nang lalake dito sa house eversince Ate’s family left. So puro girls kami dito. So if anything happens no one is there to help us.

Funny you know, with this relationship, I don’t even think or imagine being married to him. Before I would have all these crazy things in my head… daydreaming and all with my boyfriend then. But now, I’m more relaxed. I want to take it slow and I know he’s a lot younger than me so my thing is, we may not end up together but that’s totally okay. What’s important is that what we have now as a couple. Ika nga ni Jai “Go with the flow”… On the other hand, he’s the one who kept saying “Pag kasal na tayo” “Pag may anak na tayo” and all that… Napapangiti lang ako… hay buhay!

Ey! October 2 na pala… My birthday is almost here… Hehehe! Another year older and I hope wiser. I still have no definite plan yet. But I have this idea about this foundation Hazel told me. Make-A-Wish Foundation. Instead of giving myself a party, I would be sponsoring a kid or two (depending on what you want/budget). Instead of giving me gifts, sa bata mapupunta yung gifts. Hhmm… I’m still looking for a good place McDonalds maybe with a playground. I don’t know… And also I still have this idea about having a party in an orphanage. Hmm… Un lang naman ang mga iniisip kong pwede kong gawin sa birthday ko… Depende parin sa budget! Hehehe! Goodness I still have 25 days to go! Wow! Birthday muna ni Muder! Hehehe!

Anywayz, Sunday! Nothing to do again… Jet just left. Just thought of updating my blog and playing Gunbound…

Drunk as Drunk

Drunk as drunk on turpentine
From your open kisses,
Your wet body wedged
Between my wet body and the strake
Of our boat that is made of flowers,
Feasted, we guide it - our fingers
Like tallows adorned with yellow metal –
Over the sky's hot rim,
The day's last breath in our sails.

Pinned by the sun between solstice
And equinox, drowsy and tangled together
We drifted for months and woke
With the bitter taste of land on our lips,
Eyelids all sticky, and we longed for lime
And the sound of a rope
Lowering a bucket down its well.
Then,We came by night to the Fortunate Isles,
And lay like fish
Under the net of our kisses.

~pablo neruda~

oo00oo

oh god! oh god! oh god! :)

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~pablo neruda~

Giving

I was browsing through my book collection and I saw this red book I purchased a long time ago and completely forgot about it. I haven’t read it yet though, its objective is that if ever you have questions in life and some things are bothering you, especially about love, you hold the book and just open it and there will be your answer. The title is Love Wisdom. So, holding it I thought about my relationship with Jet right now. Where we are and what’s happening to us lately. I don’t know how the book knew (stupid thing to even ask) or is it merely coincidental, but it opened to “GIVING”.

****

There is a time to give and a time to receive. Now is your time to give. You need to work out what it is that you can give and to whom, as well as the manner of giving which is appropriate. Always give for the sake of giving, rather than because you hope to see it returned. Some of us are selfish and ungenerous and we need to alter this behavior if our relationships or potential relationships are to flourish. When we fail to give, we keep ourselves closed and we block the flow of energy which is necessary for a healthy relationship. When we life from a belief which says we don’t have enough to share, then our lives quickly reflect this belief and it becomes true. The only way to change this is with a leap of faith. When you start to give, more will come to you. You will find more returned to you than you ever gave away, as long as you stay open and don’t return to tight, ungiving attitudes and behavior. There is enough for everyone. We live in a time of abundance. It’s only our fear which closes us off from this abundance. Trust that you have enough to share and the reward will be tremendous. Give from the heart rather from the ego to discover the true joy of giving.

****

I did a little reflection and thought about my actions towards him lately. Am I not giving him space? Am I not giving him enough time for himself? Am I not giving enough for this relationship? Maybe not, I know I’m guilty. It seems to be my problem ever since. There are moments that I become selfish, self-centered and I forget that he is also a part of this relationship. That he has his own needs as an individual. I remember we were having this fight over a picture – A PICTURE! And I was dumbstruck when he told me “I was not acting my age and if only I could hear myself”. Really, that made me stopped and put a lid in my mouth. I was, as what Jai told me, “nakahanap ng katapat ko”. Hehehe! She is right. He rarely gets mad and if he does, it is always with a valid reason. I don’t understand why he is like that. I would sometimes out of the blue start a fight but he wouldn’t budge and in the end it is me who will look bad, which is just right because I had to start that stupid fight in the first place.

I remember an ex lover telling me that I’m bad at receiving criticism that I get offended too much. Hhmm… Maybe I was. Maybe I was too proud to accept it. Maybe I was too proud to give in. To know that I too have my own weaknesses and I can’t be that perfect or wonder woman I believed I was. I thought I was. I thought I was doing it right. Maybe I was not giving much in the relationship. That is what I’m trying to avoid happening right now. I do get a little off track sometimes, just like that photo incident; which could have been prevented if I just used my head instead of my mouth.

Give and take they say it is, a relationship that is. Try to be more open, to be more giving and I know he appreciates it. I’m not a perfect girlfriend. But I try to make up for the things I know I’ve hurt him. Maybe now is the time to be MORE giving, giving in a sense that, I should focus more about his emotions and not mine; whether it is about deciding when to meet and what to do when we are together. Let him be in control. Give him the freedom to do the things that I know he wants to do without being afraid if his love is still mine; because I know he is honest to me and very much loyal. I should stop being afraid and take that leap of faith before its too late...

For our country....

Did you know that the Philippines’ coconut geotextile ( a.k.a. coconet) for soil erosion control has been chosen as one of the 12 finalists in Newsweek and BBC’s (British Broadcasting Corporation) World’s World Challenge?

The World Challenge is basically a competition/search designed at identifying groups or individuals all over the world whose projects have contributed great impact at grass roots level.

A documentary about Philippine Coconut geotextile or coconet industry will be shown on the BBC World cable channel on September 24 around 8:30 GMT and will also be featured in the August 29 special issue of Newsweek.

“The World Challenge” already offers a tremendous exposure and publicity to our flourishing Philippine coconut geotextile industry and to our Philippine coconut fiber exporters. But it would be great liberation for our country, which has been getting very bad publicity nowadays, to win this prestigious competition.

TO VOTE, PLEASE CLICK

www.theworldchallenge.co.uk

and click the picture of Philippine coconet.

Please help us campaign for more voters by forwarding this message to your co-worker, friends and relatives.

Thanks.

muni-muni

I'm tired, but I don't feel like sleeping yet and Jet just left. We spend the day in the mall, watched a movie (The Brother's Grimm), correction! I watched while he slept. Hehehe... and did some window shopping... After a while he wanted to go to my place. I cooked dinner while he played with Mandy. I felt a sudden rush of loneliness. The house seems so quiet... empty. Though I could hear "the angels" watching TV. But the fact is, there are only five of us inside a four-storey house. Unlike before, my sister's family was here. Niko and Victor (my two bubbly nephews) kept the house alive and up. But now, almost a year have passed, a lot has changed. A lot.

When we talked about families, being a family, what word comes to your mind? Love, security, trust, acceptance, understanding, unity, sharing and so much more! To be brutaly and honestly blunt here, I don't feel any of that right now. I mean coming from the so-called family that I (still/hoping to) have. When my sister left for Canada last November 2004, a lot of things changed in my life. I've acquired a lot of responsibilities. And she is still the one I call whenever I feel down or I needed a boost. There are a lot of things right now that wanted me down on the ground. Wanted me out... People who don't trust me, people who don't know me after all, after all the years we've shared. I thought I could trust them, I thought they knew better. But I was wrong, I was quite wrong.

****

Money they say are the root of all evil. But no I don't think so. It is the people that makes money evil. People who worships, desires, wanted money that makes money evil. People who are BLINDED by ambitions and jealousy. People who could sell their soul for what.. a certain amount? I know a lot of people like that. I've encoutered quite a number of them in my life. People who uses money to get their ambition, people who uses money to gain freinds, people who uses money to make the world go round. Sad isn't it? But with a kind of economy our country is having, you'll seldom see people who wouldn't do a "kapit-sa-patalim".

But when these things happen in a family.. within a family... isn't it much sadder? More pathetic I think. A brother doesn't trust a sibling just because the sibling is not a TRUE member of the family. Sad.. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. I pity the brother. Imagine, with that thought, with that hatred, with that "tamang hinala" inside you... where does that lead you? Who threw all the "pinagsamahan" out of the window? Who is the bad guy here? Definitely not the sibling who was only given instructions. Definitely not the sibling who is just doing her job. Definitely not the sibling who KNOWS what is really going on. Definitely not the sibling given all the responsibilities. Not her.

What I told her, just remain quiet. No need to explain things. Because in the first place, if they want you to be honest, to be transparent, let them make the first move. Talking about HONESTY and TRANSPARENCY... Hah! What a big joke! Look in the mirror damn ass! Look in the mirror!!!

It is a sad thing. Just a sad thing... They can say whatever they want, they can throw a lot of things at you, the most important thing is, you do your job, you have God by your side, and the truth will always set you free... the TRUTH.

*****

I'm just lucky, I feel that I am. Although I don't share the same blood as they have or have a close relationship with them now, I know my Tatay is proud of me. I know I make Nanay happy. I had/have the chance to be of service to them. By living with Nanay now, here, I give her the best care there is, they may say that we "baby" her too much... Can't they just be glad that someone is caring for their mother??? Can't they just be greatful that eventhough thier mother is surrounded by people who are not blood related to her, she's not neglected!? God! if only they know how hard it is to care for an elderly... I don't know if they can... I don't know. All I can say is they're all full of crap!!! I only owe my life to Tatay and Nanay and nobody else. They can say whatever they want... I'll just laugh at them. They can try to put me down... They can try a lot of things... But let us all remember that, whatever we do, what goes around comes around.

****

As for now, I'm contented. I'm okay, It gets a little lonely sometimes I admit, but knowing that Nanay is in good health, we still eat three times a day, Jet and I are happy with our relationship, friends are okay, I think... I can survive all these. Just hang in there... Hang in there....

Just a taxi ride...

I just got home from an early dinner with jai (before she goes to work) in Cubao and I had this wonderful ride back home. You see the taxi I chanced upon has a lady driver! I was really surprised and I gleefully took the front seat. She was not your typical driver. First, she was wearing pearls! Hehehe! And she was really pretty (I think she's in her late 40's). When I got in, she said I smelled nice daw and asked for my perfume. I was smilling all the way home, because me being a taxi rider almost in all my "walks", never had a lady driver not until a few minutes ago. I felt REALLY safe. I was interested, why be a taxi driver... She's been in the business for fourteen years now.. (uso pa daw ung gemini na taxi), she used to own a lot of taxi units but her drivers gave her a lot of problem so in 2000 she decided to sell all of them and take the wheel instead. Till now sya parin ang drive ng unit nya. She didn't talk much... La rin me naisip itanong, I was just in awe.. Hehehe... and before we said goodbye, she told I looked like Arlene Muhlach daw... yup... I know we're big.. hehehe...

Anyways, that was really an interest ride for me... I already rode a tricycle with a lady driver but never a taxi... I like lady drivers.. they're a lot nicer and I don't know.. I just felt safe.... :p

bakit ganun...

Ang buhay minsan nakakatawa talaga... magugulat ka nalang... hay.. bakit ganun? Pagkatapos ng isang problemang ilang buwan ko naring dinadala, heto nanaman. Minsan na isip ko na hindi ko na kaya. Ayoko na... Suko na ako. Ano ba pinaglalaban ko? Ano ba makukuha ko sa mga bagay na pilit kong ayusin pero sadyang gustong sirain ng iba? San ba ako lulugar? Naiisip ko nalang, lahat ng ito, lahat ng pagtitiis, lahat ng sakit nakakaya ko dahil sa isang tao lamang. Ang aking Ina. Tuwing nakikita ko sya, yun lang ang mga pagkakataong nagpapabago sa aking isipan. Nagpapatatag ng aking loob. Hindi. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis. Kailangan nya ako.

Bakit ang ibang tao sakim sa pera? Bakit sila ganun? Yun lang ba ang importante sa buhay? Oo alam ko, hindi ka makakakilos kung wala kang pera pero hanggang dun lang ba ang sukatan ng iyon pagkatao? Sisirain mo ang pagkatao mo dahil sa pera? Alam ko masarap ang may pera, masarap mabuhay, marami kang mabibili, makakakain, makukuha, giginahawa ka, pero yun lang ba un? Hanggang dun lang???

May kilala ako, sobra ang ambisyon na sya buhay. Lahat planado... Pati kung sino ang dapat nyang mapangasawa... Bakit hindi, nang galing sya sa wala. Kaya nang may makita syang oportunidad na gumanda at maiangat ang buhay nya, hindi na nya ito pinakawalan. Nung una akala ko mabuti syang tao, akala ko ok sya.. bilib nga ako e. Kaso nanglumaon, ang unggoy damitan mo man, unggoy parin. Di po ba?

Nakakapanghinayang lang... Hindi ako naiinggit sa mga pamilyang ang sasaya kung nagkikita-kita. Dahil naramdaman ko rin yun, sa isang punto ng aking buhay. Akala ko nga magtutuloy-tuloy na.. Kaso sabi ko nga.. mapaglaro ang tadhana. Pera. Ambisyon. Galit. Inggit. Pag pinagsama-sama mo, walang matigas na pader ang makakaligtas. Kawawa ang mga bata. Nagkakaroon ng debisyon. Nagkakaron ng mga maling pagkakakilanlan. Nasan ang pamilya? Nasan ang pagkakaisa, pagmamahal, pagaaruga...

Ewan ko ba. Ayoko sanang sumuko... Ayoko sanang maniwalang wala nang mabuting kahihinatnan ito... kaso ito ang realidad. Ito ang totoo. Wala na. Wala nang pag-asang mabuo muli. At ayoko na rin. Iisang tao lang ang aking gusto at dapat intindihin. Sya at ang ilang kasama sa aming tahanan ang aking pamilya. Sila lang. Wala na akong magagawa kundi ang ipagdasal nalamang sila. Sana malinawan ang kanilang pag-iisip na... pera lang yan. Ano ba ang mas importante? Ang pagmamahal ng isang kapamilya o ang pera na unti-unting sumisira sa iyong pagkatao?

Buhay nga naman....

Late night madness...

Hmm… I just got home. I’m not sleepy yet so I thought of updating my blog. Although minsan tinatamad talaga ako and would rather sleep… :p

Jet and I almost had a stupid fight over something outrageously small stuff a few hours ago. I was not able to speak to him almost the whole day and yesterday was a blur. I missed him.. Maybe because sometimes he’s my sanity amidst all the chaos around me. Not talking to him even for one day – maski for a few minutes lang – would mean a bad night for me. Babaw noh?! Pero he’s like that to me. Never naman syang nagreklamo na he’s too tired to even say goodnight. Kilala ko naman yung tao. I know when he’s tired and if he doesn’t feel na makipagusap. Honest sya and surprisingly I accept it. Before kasi I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Aminin ko, I’m a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships. It’s my way or no way at all. Hehehe… Through the years… I think I’ve changed a lot. Learned from all my mistakes. And I really thank God for sending Jet in my life. He maybe a lot younger than me (six years to be precise!), but he’s more mature in a lot of way. Nasasakyan kasi nya yung mga tantrums ko. At saka yung minsan pagiging bungangera ko (pero less na ngayon ha!) hindi nya pinapatulan… Lam nya kasing once na nailabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko at naging kalmado na.. dun sya magsasalita. Hay… Sweet din naman kaya ang loko kahit pano. He’s not the kind of guy na would shower you with material stuff… He would offer his services… (Oh! Bago magisip ng masama dyan… patapusin muna ako ha…) He would offer to drive me anywhere and anytime… Yun eh.. before sya naging busy sa school. Everytime na may errand ako he would say na sya nalang service ko… at least kamasa daw nya ako… Aww… how sweet. Every now and then he would surprise me with little stuff… like buying me things out of the blue.. Maski walang okasyon. Or he would suddenly come here in Quezon City just to be with me kahit dapat magpahinga nalang sya. Imagine from Muntinlupa to Q.C. Hay… that’s my man… :p

He’s not perfect though. Super kulit yan! Grabe! Parang bata minsan and antukin! Siguro ang pwede ko lang kaagaw sa kanya ay tulog. Hehehe! Why am I writing about him? Boring noh? Basta I really love this guy! He’s different. Really different from all the… others. Ito yung relationship ko na gusto ko talagang ipaglaban. There was a time na muntik na kaming mag break dahil sa isang taong wala naman kwenta but I knew in my heart na sya ang mahal ko, I swallowed my pride and asked him to give our relationship another chance. Hay…. Think about what you can do about love. I just hope we’ll last as long as we wanted too. I know I want to give my best. I want this relationship to be different from all the ones I had. I can feel it naman eh. Diba intuition. I knew this was different from the first time I said yes to him. Now, I could only speak for myself, I hope he feels the same way too. Dyahe naman kung hindi diba? Para akong tanga daldal ng daldal dito tapos ending he would break it off with me… Hehehe! Ewan para akong tanga. Nonsense blabber…. It is 3am already… I started this blog almost 4 hours ago… di ko parin matapos tapos… lintik na GB yan…

Naku! Tama na nga… dapat ko nang i-post ito.. Late na… Nangungulit narin si Mandy… gusto na sigurong umakyat sa room namin…